Funthusia

Jeffrey Archer was scheduled to be in Infiniti Mall, Andheri… at 7 pm yesterday.

Next thing, I told my Mom…

“Mummy… Jeffrey Archer is coming to Mumbai today and I want to go…”

“Jeffrey Archer…who Jeffrey Archer…”

“The writer mom… those english novels that you see there are written by him.”

“Oh… Why do you want go then… buy the book.”

“Mom… this is one guy I really love… And want to meet.”

“But that doesn’t mean you’ll go all the way to Andheri… You’ve never been there… And mumbai is not a safe city… Anyone else coming with you.”

“No mom… No one appreciates the genius of Jeffrey Archer… and those who do are girls… and I can’t ask them out.”

After much fighting and shiting… I finally managed to convince mom about this going shoing…

But by the time I left I had no idea as to how far Andheri was from my place…  I left at 5:00 pm and the whole journey and my struggle to be there by 7:00 pm  was a toned down version of Johnny Depp’s “Nick of Time.”

So many… “Ah! I’ll make it safely now… before 7..”

and “Shit!! Am gonna be so late… that by the time I reach there tall guys infront of me, would not let me see..” moments, that I have  almost lost count.

Finally, I made it… That too on time…

But the tall guys were still there… Obstructing  me from seeing archer…

Slowly, I moved to the front row of standing people. You see the point, It is damn advantageous to be as  thin as I am.

Now without further ado.. I’ll move straight to the point. Lord Jeffrey Archer as he was referred to… really showed us why he was one of the bestselling authors in the world.

He began with his writing schedule… and he went on to some really interesting topics without breaking anyone’s attention even for a microsecond.

“You can be No. 1 in the new york times, No. 1 in the daily mail, no. 1 in the sydeny herald… but the real success is when they sell you at the traffic signals of India…”

Ah… I am sentimental.

“My first novel ‘Not a penny more, Not a penny less’ got rejected 17 times by different publishers… now that’s one thing I’ve beat Jk Rowling at.. her Harry Potter was rejected only 15 times…”

WTF!! :-O

“Honesty in writing is writing what you like and not what you think people will like.”

Very true… Refer to my Sattar Minute post to believe it.

“The boys are not gonna be very pleased… But from what i have seen in India, girls are smarter.”

Sir… the boys know they are smart.. it’s only the girls who need a little bit of encouragement…

“Twenty 20 is not cricket… Cricket is a match between India and England at lords with India 23/7… Tendulkar not… Dravid Not… Ganguly not…”

And Kumble Century Sir…

“I never thought I’d say this… But after seeing you guys… I’d have to say that the italians are cautious people… I guess we have killed 23 people in order to be here.”

Lolz..

“An interviewer once said to me… “I’ll never be able to sell 100 million copies sir… so I’ll just write a book that gets me a booker prize.’ “

More Lolz..

“Thank you… Thanks for coming.”

That’s all he said…to me. Said that it to everyone but still it means a lot to me…

Then came the autograph part… and I did some really stupid ingenious things which I am pretty sure you would not want to know…

Kya, you want to know… So here I go…

1) I have a bad habit… which didn’t seem bad until yesterday. I autograph the books that I buy with quotes like…

“Late to be and Late to rise, makes a woman funny sexy and nice..”

Now, yesterday… the book that I got autographed was already autographed by me. So his autograph went on top. On the brighter note… Me and Archer share a page.

2) Psst… Old books were not allowed. You had to buy it from the store where the event took place. I did not want to spent that much money so I got a 50 bux fountain novel in… and he signed it… woah.

Ingenious No.

Ciao, Tschuss, Alvida, Adios, Au Revoir, etc. etc. [good showoff na]

Sameer Jha

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Thing to do no. 1:

Get up from the desk… Pop your eyes like a frog… and slowly walk upto her. When she asks as to what the matter is… Give her a tight slap on her cheeks… Tell her… You did not want to do it… but the provocation was too much to stand.

Thing to do no. 2:

If it’s a science lecture… Tell her that if only and only if (Newton/ Darwin/ Rutherford’s) father had used a physical contraceptive device like Kandome… we would not have been subjected to this one helluva torture.

Thing to do no. 3:

If you want to do something more sober… Make long distance conversations from one corner to the other corner…

Boy in corner 1: What a bore this lady is na?

Boy in corner 2 : Seriously, this is more boring than seeing Dravid and Jaffer bat.

Boy in corner 1 should laugh loudly and with a lot of what we say zabardasti. After that he says… “OMG! Boy in corner 2… you are so very funny… Muhahahahahaha…”

Boy in Corner 2 makes it very clear to the cocerned lecturer that due to the abnormal torture of her course material boy in corner 1 is finding lame jokes funny.

Thing to do No. 4

Take a thumbs up bottle… throw it out of the window… and run out of the door to catch it… bring it back… they both would look the same… and this would get you really popular with the lame girls.

Thing to do No. 5

Write an apology letter…coz if you even try one of these you are very likely to be kicked out of the school… A good apology will make sure that you can have the cake and eat it too.

Tell me if you try any of these.

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Well… er… eh… read for yourself.

Sattar minute hai tumhare paas
shayad
tumhari zindagi ke sabse antim
sattar minute
aaj tum kisi ko chodo ya nahiin..
yeh sattar minute tumhe
zindagi bhar yaad rahenge

Toh kaise chodna hai
Yeh toh tumhe experience karke hi malloom hoga
aur main bas itna kahunga
ki jaao
aur yeh sattar minute
jee bhar ke chodlo

kyunki iske baad aane wale zindagi mein
jo ki aane nahi wali
kyunki mar jaaoge
lekin yeh sattar minute ka sex tumhe bahut satisfaction dega..
bahut satisfaction..
bahut saara

toh
maine socha ki
Main tumhe yeh na kahoon ki tumhe kaunsa condom
use karna hai
koi bhi karo…
par australian na karna (salaam namaste nahi dekhi kya)…
kya pata jaate jaate tum apni nishaani chhod jaao

toh jaao
jaao aur apne aap se
iss zindagi se
apne khuda se
aur har uss insaan se jisne tumhe
tumhe choda nahi ho
apne sattar minute mein unko chod lo…

How’s it eh?

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unkownid_cooldude:

Heya!

Sameer:

Hey

unkownid_cooldude:

Dude u own funthusia..?

Sameer:

Yeah! I kinda do..

unknownid_cooldude:

Cool blog man… you are realllyyy talented…

Sameer:

Danke Danke…

unknownid_cooldude:

What?

Sameer:

Well Danke means thanks in german…

unknownid_cooldude:

Oh… Lol… I thought something else…

Sameer:

Dude… if you like my blog… why don’t you subscribe to its feed..

unknownid_cooldude:

Hmm..No…

Sameer:

Why Why?? :-O

unknownid_cooldude:

See, I don’t subscribe to feeds… I come and check your blog everyday… So why do I need to subscribe to its feed…

Sameer:

Thanks dude… but I need readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

What!! I am not a reader… Yeh toh meri beizzati ho gayi…

Sameer:

Uff..

unknownid_cooldude:

I am fed up of this feed thing…

Sameer:

See… I know you’re a reader but I can’t show it off… ya know. I need readers to somewhat establish my credibility…

unknownid_cooldude:

But what is the GODDAMN use… of subscribing to a feed…

Sameer:

Psst..you get updated if there’s any new content on my blog…

unknownid_cooldude:

Okay… so why do you need to update me when I check your blog everyday…

Sameer:

To get Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I dunno what it really means…

Sameer:

See… There are people who subscribe to your feed… using RSS… or through email… These are called Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I know email… but what’s RSS…

Sameer:

That’s something which helps readers read your feed…

unknownid_cooldude:

Dude… I think you should stick to blogging… don’t do this…

Sameer:

Do what?

unknownid_cooldude:

This feed thing…

Sameer:

But it’s a part of blogging…

unknownid_cooldude:

What part…

Sameer:

Feed part…

unknownid_cooldude:

Lol… It’s not RSS…

Sameer:

It is RSS

unknownid_cooldude:

I meant… It’s not Really Simple Suckah…

This is a work of fiction… Totahlly..

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Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai! Mujhe iss paper pe aapka sign chahiye… woh kya hai ki ipl ke baad corporates invest kar rahe hai Indian gangster league mein… aur uske liye who tumhe sign karna chahte hai mere bhai…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Aur agar maine sign nahi kiya toh…

Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai Aap sign karte ho ki nahi…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Sign chahiye tumhe… haii… Jaao pehle uss aadmi ka sign lekar aao… jo roz subah mere ghar ke saamne rakhi hui doodh ki thaili phhad kar jaata hai… jaao pehle uska sign lekar aao… jo roz morning mein mere times of india (mumbai mirror free) ko uthakar Punjab Kesari rakh deta hai… Jaao pehle us aadmi ka sign lekar aao jisne yeh bhaddi joke likhi hai… mere bhai… phir tum jis paper se sign karne ke liye kahoge main sign kar doonga…

Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai… Yeh sab kaam toh maine hi kiya hai… Yeh rahi meri sign… Ab aapko sign karna hi padega…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Mujhe kyun… Abhishek ko bolo… Acting ke saath meri sign ki bhi acchhi copy karta hai…

Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai… aapko pata nahi abhishek ash ke saath ash kar raha hai… aur vivek aur salman ka jiya jalke ash ho gaya hai…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Haaiinn… Aur maine ab bhi sign nahi kiya toh…

Shashi Kapoor:

Toh bhai mujhe majbooran aapko aapki hi film jhoom barabar jhoom dikhaani padegi…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Oh My God!! Batao kahaan sign karna hai…

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Teacher:

Sameer! You need to cut your hair.

Sameer:

But it’s small Ma’am.

Teacher:

What Small? it should be Crew Cut…If by tomorrow you don’t cut your hair then I’ll cut it myself.

Sameer:

Sure Ma’am…You can cut it yourself. I never object to people cutting their hair.

Teacher:

Not my hair…I’ll cut your hair myself.

Sameer:

Why would you take such pains Ma’am.

Teacher:

Because your hair is big.

Sameer:

Ma’am I know many people get this urge…to quit their job and take up a new job…But ma’am I seriously think that you should stick to teaching. Afterall, being a barber doesn’t pay a lot.

Teacher (gets really angry):

How dare you call me a barber…  I am taking this stuff to the principal. He will set you right.

Sameer:

Ma’am India is a democracy right.

Teacher:

yes…But it is in the school rules that you need to cut your hair reguarly.

Sameer:

Not if it hurts your Religious sentiments…

Teacher:

But that’s only for Sikhs…I think. And you’re a hindu.

Sameer:

Well In India you can convert.

Teacher:

There must be some rites and rituals required to convert to Sikhism.

Sameer:

Well I am not converting to Sikhism…I am converting to another religion called Jhaatusim and there you have no need for rituals….Muhahahahaha…

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After the really unsuccesful first version…Here comes the second version.

Libra:

If you are underage then there is a huge possibility that your parents will get to know about your porn watching habits. Yes…Don’t think much. Go ahead and delete all your porn and don’t even dare backing it up.

Scorpio:

Dude, you rock big time…you are a scorpion and scorpions are intrinsically very very lucky. Whatever you do in your life will succeed. You are obviously the most sexy guy/girl in your class so you’ll get your mate of choice this week. FYI, I am a Scorpio.

Sagittarius:

I hate to break this news to you…but from this very moment you will not be able to download any porn on your computer. It’s a virus that has been transmitted from this blog to your comp which stops the download of any kind of porn. Moreover, you deserved this.

Capricorn:

Thank god you’ve read this. Because now you can’t tell that you weren’t warned. From this very moment if you eat outside food, you’re surely gonna lose all of your hair. And you will not get them back. Not even by hair weaving. Sacchhi.

Aquarius:

Aqua huh…you will not get the chance to brush your teeth for the whole week this week. Why? Because there will be no aqua aka water in your house. Moreover, the girl you have a secret crush on will come to kiss you…For obvious reasons she won’t come again ever after.

Pisces:

Hey congrats dude…You are bound to become a Preeti Jhangiani fan for life this week. My unmentionable ball is telling it to me. May god bless you dude. I can’t say anything else.

And the most important thing. To get rid of all these bad luck for your zodiac (except scorpio) you have to do one simple deed…and that is to subscribe to my feed.

That’s My Feed…Click on it.

And if you have always been bowled over by what is a feed question then you can use the email subscription widget at the right hand(for me) side of this blog.

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Lo…And Behold…

I am just about to predict your future by gazing into my eh…non-mentionable ball.

So Be ready to read the TRUTH…Muhahahahahahaha…

Aries:

Ah…What can I say? Your wife’s gonna run away with your driver…Yippeee…For ladies I hate to break this, but your husband only runs to reduce his weight. To do other stuff he saves his energy by just walking.

Taurus:

From this moment Rakhi Sawant and her really ossum and saxy song “Dekhta Hai Tuu Kya” from Krazzy 4 will feature in all of your dreams.  Also you’ll kick yourself for not watching Bigg Boss: Kadi Nazar Solid Assar..

Gemini:

You’ll realise that youe best friend or roommate has started following the homosexual alternate way of life. So be scared and be very scared…Unless and until you too see the world with a different eye…

Cancer:

D’oh…In this week you’ll try Shahnaz Hussain’s Fair One for Men to get fair…See Shahnaz Hussain herself to get an idea of what you’ll resemble after one week. Muhahahahahaha….

Leo:

You’ll be very lucky this week…You will be labeled a Dyslexic…and hey guess what…the Taare Zameen Par effect will make a lot of people sympathetic with you.

Virgo:

Dude…I pity your luck. Firstly, according to the Hindi name of your Zodiac you are a “Kanya” even though you belong to the masculine sex…Heehaw. And if that humiliation wasn’t enough you’ll barf in your class/office and the puke’s gonna decorate your teacher/boss.

PS: Rest of the Zodiac’s covered tomorrow…

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This is a guest post by my former classmate and friend Shivansh… This is the first guest post on my blog so I am feelin’ gooood now…

It was 3.27 in the morning, as I casually glanced at the clock and got out of bed to pee. I was glad I didn’t have to wake up to the alarm next morning. I was free of it all. No more school, no more Mum yelling at me for studying, no more tuitions. “Ah! This is life…” I thought to myself. I was glad and I could see the wide smile on my face in the mirror. But now I didn’t want to sleep. Yes, why would I sleep? I had always wanted to see the “adult” magazine I had stolen from Dad’s desk.

I dashed to my closet and drew from the lower most shelf, an old copy of some magazine. The name was ‘Man’s World’. It was safely hidden between two old shirts of mine, away from Mum’s reach. I did enjoy that book but again got bored very soon, looking at the pictures of models posing in bikini.

Now I wanted to do something different. Maybe have fun on the phone. Yea I think I would have loved that. So I quickly got to the phone and dialed whatever numbers came to my mind. The bell rang for over 15-20 seconds and then an old woman picked it up. In a shrilled voice, she said “Hellooo” and I got scared out of my wits. She seemed like the old woman in the movie ‘Haunted House’. I put the receiver down and got my breath back.

But still I couldn’t be stopped by an old woman. So I, again picked up the receiver and dialed my friend’s number. After many rings his Mom picked up. I said “Hastala Vista, Baby” and put the phone down. This made me laugh and smile for over a minute. I enjoyed doing it, disturbing people at night for no apparent reason. It sure was fun. I, again called up another number, one which I dint know. As soon as the girl picked up, I said “I love you”. Listening to a childish voice, she said “Love you too sweety”. Both of us laughed for quite some time. She then asked me, what I was doing at this time in the night. I told her I didn’t want to sleep. Very soon we struck a chord and started chatting. I was enjoying the conversation, explaining to her why I fought with Rahul, when suddenly I heard some noise from outside. I quickly noted down the number of that girl and told her that I would chat with her later. I thought for some time, “what could that noise could be?” Then it clicked to me, that it could be the thief on the prowl.

Now I was reminded of my friend Nikhil who claimed to be Sherlock Homes because he once caught the boy in school who stole his pencil. I thought this was my chance to prove to him that I was better. I quickly brought my night vision goggles and a hockey stick and set out on a mission… to nab the thief in my house.

I picked up the gunny bag lying on the floor and brought a rope from the toilet. Well equipped to catch the thief red handed I swiftly got to the kitchen from where I could get a clear view of the thief. As I moved into the kitchen, I stepped on Bravo, my pet dog, who was lying right near the door. He scowled but didn’t bark. I asked him to stay calm and pushed him deeper inside the kitchen.

Now I brought my attention back to the living room. I peeped out of the kitchen and what I saw made me giggle. I saw the thief watching TV sitting on the couch. After a soft laugh to myself I got the gunny bag and leaped towards the man. But somehow he turned back and to my utter shock was my very own FATHER!!!

I said “Dad, what are you watching at this time?” Saying this I looked at the TV where I saw Jenna Jameson stripping…

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Ever since I was a kid,

I had a dream,

I really wanted to have long hair,

Very Very long hair.

I found it really cool,

But sadly it was…

Not allowed in my school.

Everytime my hair

touched my ears,

My teacher used to force me to cut it…

and even said that my hair was like a grizzly bear.

I tried to explain it to her that,

I don’t see a negative point in having big hair

Any interference by school

is so not fair.

It’s ironic actually,

that certain things we do

in the name of discipline

are so very contradictory…

We iron our shirts…to look good.

And we cut our hair…to (er…according to me) not look good.

India is a democracy,

And forcing any child to…

cut his hair is a blatant violation of that very Democracy…

There’s more I have to say,

But that’d be in my next post…

Anyways, concluding the poem

I’d say

This rule is a son of a nut…

What’s the friggin’ point in having a haircut.

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