Funthusia

Back in my High School days,

I had a crush on a girl with an exotic face,

The Crush became love.

I don’t know how,

A am not going to reveal her name,

But her surname was “Rao.”

I tried hard to be close to her..

But then she had a crush on a guy called “Viktor”

She talked about him every effing time…

She talked abot how he liked soda with lime…

I was plagued at that time,

By Jealousy,

I loved her badly,

But sadly she couldn’t see…

I made a plan

To break their relationship,

I talked Viktor into,

Showing her a video clip…

And then,

Unke love story ka ho gaya DOOM,

The culprit was the video clip,

From the movie “Jhoom Barabar Jhoom”…

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Part 2 of the story. Part 1 is here.

———

The class bursts into laughter. Sameer stands up… visibly embarassed.

Teacher:

So, it was you. Can you explain as to what really happened? What made the noise?

Sameer:

Ma’am actually I was er.. eating and the lunch kinda fell down.

Teacher:

Eating!! What guts. You’ve completed your work or what?

Sameer:

Ur… Yes Ma’am.

Teacher:

Bring your notebook.

Sameer:

Uh… Ma’am it’s a bit incomplete.

Teacher:

You BRING YOUR NOTEBOOK NOW!!!

(Sameer brings his notebook.)

Sameer:

Ma’am it’s my rough notebook…

Teacher:

I see… There’s Hindi in it… then some English. History and Maths, no trace of geography… What have you been doing in my period? And this… the subject field of your label.. you’ve written what?

Sameer:

God only knows.

(Class bursts into laughter.)

Teacher:

You eat in my class, not make my notebook, show disrespect towards me.. and just refuse to say sorry. I am gonna take you to the principal now…

Sameer:

Sorry Ma’am…

Teacher:

You… Come with me.

(In the principal’s office.)

Principal:

What have you done?

Teacher:

Sir.. he was eating…

Principal (interrupts):

I asked him.

(The Teacher is visibly embarassed.)

Sameer:

Sir, I eh… was eating in the class and my notebook’s not complete.

Teacher:

Don’t say it’s not complete… you’ve not made it (goddamit)…

Principal:

Ah… Well, Did you have your breakfast?

Sameer:

No Sir.

Principal:

Yeah I figured that out… Hunger makes you do gutsy things… And yes, if a child is hungry he/she may not be able to study. So I think it’s fair for you to eat. But But, you should’ve asked your Subject Teacher also… And yes, have your breakfast from now on…

Sameer:

I assure you that it’ll never happen again..

Principal:

And yes, about the notebook… it should be on my desk the first thing tomorrow morning.

Sameer:

Yes Sir.

(The Subject teacher is visibly embarrassed.)

The End.

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It’s fun to have your lunch during periods… real periods. But things can surely go wrong. Here’s presenting the Part 1 of the Sameer and the Lunch Box Saga.

———-

Arun: (yawning)

What period is this.. zzzzzzero or first..??

Sameer:

First it is. This is so bloody damn boring man..

Arun:

Yeah seriously… By the way what did you bring for lunch…?

Sameer:

Urm.. Let’s see…

(Sameer sees it.. and the lunch is good.. It’s the lipsmacking BUTTER CHICKEN… Now, It takes a vegetarian to not salivate at its mention.)

Woah.. It is butter chicken.

Arun: (salivates as expected..)

Hmm… So what are you waiting for… just open that thing and we shall eat it now.

Sameer:

Now?

Arun:

Yes Now.

Sameer:

What man? Are you crazy?? This things gonna get us caught..

Arun:

No Man!! Chill!! I have done this before and I’ll be doing it afterwards also.. Just open the lunch box dude..

(Sameer gets the thing out… and both of them begin eating. Boy at the bench before them smells something delicious and turns back.)

Rahul:

Hmmm… I smell something here… Are you guys like eating or something.

(Arun is dissapointed that he’ll have to split the booty, but then he is happy also as making Rahul happy is always a good thing.)

Arun:

It’s chicken… butter chicken… Now don’t ask anything else and follow my instructions.

Rahul: (salivates at the mention of butter chicken.)

WHAT am I supposed to do?

Sameer:

Just eat what’s being passed to you.

(Sameer passes some roti and butter chicken from under the table.)

Arun:

WoW Man…It tastes so good… Much better than what it would have tasted during the lunch break.

(The lunch gets over… and just as Sameer is about to place it back… It Falls.)

Thann!!!

(End of part 1)

Part 2 coming soon.

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Parent - Teacher meeting, to me, is nothing but a useless waste of time, in which two people take part in telling a child that time is precious and it should not be wasted.

Here’s a nice lil’ fictional account of what can happen between the parent, the child and the teacher.

Teacher:

Oh so this is Sameer’s Mother.

Mother:

Yes… So how’s Sameer in the class?

Teacher:

Honestly, not very good. He does nothing at all… And that will soon start reflecting in his marks.

Sameer (Whispering to himself):

I don’t f**king care about marks.

Teacher:

Yes! What did you say?

Sameer:

I said Max!! Smashing Max ice cream is not to be had in this cold season you see… You know my friend- Adani- he..

Teacher:

Okay Okay… So as I was saying, what do you intend to do about your marks?

(Phew!)

Mother:

Yeah Sameer, your marks have been really bad. This way others will go ahead and you’ll remain there only.

Sameer:

You know what mom, I have thought about it, I’ve thought about it long enough to decide that I will score marks in this exam.

(yes!! i will score low marks in this examination.)

Teacher:

Yes beta… Very Good. See you are very intelligent, if you do sincerely then you will definitely go ahead in life…

(If I do walk sincerely… I’ll definitely go ahead in life.)

Mother:

Besides studies, does he do anything else that’s unacceptable.

Teacher:

Yes, he cracks a lot of jokes… and passes comments… he shouldn’t do that.

Sameer:

WhaT The FucK?

Teahcer:

What? What did you say?

Sameer:

I said… What the… DUCK. What the duck said to the fish? It said that, “When I come around Mr. Fish, you have to duck for cover.”

Teacher:

Hmm.. I see something fishy there…

Mother:

Anyways, you’ll promise ma’am that you’d study from now on.

(Study Porn Magazines.. huh.)

Sameer:

Yes I will do that motherfucker.

Teacher:

What???

Sameer:

Mine worker… I’ll work hard like a mine worker.

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This is the interview of a boy, fortunate enough to have witnessed the ladies toilet. For your info., the boy runs a humor blog and ironically the interviewer runs the same humor blog. (Name rhyming with SaalaChutiya!)

Man 1:

So, how on earth did you reach the ladies toilet?

Man 2:

Ur… It was an accident. Actually, our eco lecture which usually takes place on the 3rd floor was held on the second floor that day. And since both the floors are somewhat identical and the pressure was huge, I managed to get in the ladies toilet.

Man 1:

Sounds interesting… What was it like?

Man 2:

Clean. Much cleaner than the boys toilet. I was taken aback by the non-availability of the lavatories where we can stand and do our thing. But, that didn’t deter me from getting excited and thinking about telling everyone that our very own toilet has changed.

Man 1:

Hmm… I see you didn’t realize it was the ladies toilet as soon as you reached there. Were you not suspicious of the missing lavatories?

Man 2:

A good question. Actually, last year the lavatories were tampered by a few students. So, I thought maybe they renovated the whole thing after the vacation to avoid further pilferage.

Man 1:

Hahaha.. Now what’s the difference between a ladies and a gents toilet?

Man 2:

Nothing much, just the lavatories are missing, and the washbasin is on the other side. The cabinets for latrine and all are a lot more cleaner. And yeah, not to forget there’s a mirror too..

Man 1:

WoW!

Man 2:

Also, I wonder why there’s only 3 urinating places in comparison to the 6 we have in the boys toilet… there must be stampede’s during lunch breaks.

Man 1:

Haha!! Did anyone catch you?

Man 2:

Yeah!! Just when I was about to leave, I saw a teacher there, her face was at first shellshocked and then I guess she was also trying to suppress a laugh.

Man 1:

Did she say anything? And what did you do?

Man 2:

She said, “What are you trying to do here.” I said something which sounded like, “Toy-late.” She said, “This is ladies toilet.” i got excited and said “Sorry Ma’am… It was some kind of a mistake.” After that, I quickly slipped away from the toilet.

Man 1:

Phew!! Whaatay Experience.

Man 2:

It’s one of the places you shouldn’t miss visiting. Atleast, once in your life.

Inspired By a 100% true story.

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(Principal’s Office)

It’s a nice and cool room with portraits of people who are atleast 85

years of age.

Principal:

Good Morning Sameer…

(He says this and nods his head which is the same as signalling me to
sit down.)

Principal:

So why do you want to be the head boy?

Sameer (that’s me):

Well for one, I have a head and am not yet a man which implies I am a
boy… It’s pretty simple sir, I think I have the passion, the attitude
to be a roadie… uh… the head boy. It’s my life.

(Asshole doesn’t look amused at my wonderful joke..)

Prinicpal:

Oh okay… I see… What are you hobbies Sameer.

Sameer:

Urm… I like to eat in the class… specially lunches brought by
someone else. And then I love to steal someone else’s notebook.. It’s kinda cool you know.. Steal someone’s notebook… and when you are done with it… keeping it in his/her best friend’s bag.. Genius no… Also…

(I blabber a few more thnings and he seems to be laughing.)

Principal:

Oh I see… You have a good sense of humor. Good Good. Not many people
crack jokes in front of me. It’s good that you are comfortable and confident with your principal.

(WHAAAAAAAAAAT!!! That was the truth. )

Principal:

So sameer… who’s your idol.. the one person you look up to.

Sameer:

Sir.. I am not sure whether you’ll believe me but it’s Vivek Oberoi…
I have become his GREATEST fan ever since I saw his face in that Babool
ad. I mean that was pure genius at work.

Principal:

Oh okay…

(Takes this one seriously bloody nOOb.)

Principal:

Ok Sameer…
Final Question. What are the changes that you as the school
representative will being about in the school?

Sameer:

Firstly, I would make sure that the head boy gets access to one full
plate of tandoori chicken everyday. Now sir this is very important…
To take active part in the activities of the school, the head boy needs
to maintain his health and for that very reason he should be goven
tandoori chicken everyday. I have doctor’s report that tandoori
chicken== good health.

Also sir I’ll not poke my nose into the dirty affairs of others… as I
think the students of this school should be self-dependent,
self-reliant and every other self-realted adjective…

Prinicpal:

Oh I see… with that answer you’ll definitely get a badge.

Sameer:

Oh thank you sir…

(I always knew this from the beginning…)

Principal:

You are surely going to be the dead boy of this school.

Sameer:

Arey mere paise ka kya hua…

Principal:

Chutiye! Dus rupaiye me koi head boy banata hai kya…

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Sameer had put up an interesting post about avoiding homework and am here to help you guys further as i was too tempted to contribute something…..

Small Kids : A Blessing in Disguise

So this idea struck me when this happened with me by sheer luck. I have a younger brother who’s 9 years younger than me (unofficially in few years he could be my dad given the sheer things he is learning which i never thought of at his age). Once he vomited on my book and it was all ruined…. and i had to buy another book. So it was a really good and valid reason

Can’t make the kid vomit?? Give him some Paint or colors and show him to draw and VOILA!!!! U have a master piece and then you can say  “Err… actually MA’M my brother/sister/nephew/niece tore it/colored over it/ vomited over it/ did potty over it….. ” you can make your imagination as wild as possible

So invite the naughtiest kid ( not related to the word $*X )  over for dinner and get going…..

To be safe….  make sure you have support from your parents…. like give the kid the notebook and go out of the house telling your mom/dad you have some work and he’s playing. Come back and make faces like WHAT THE F**** SCREAM, CRY… Get disappointed etc… etc… and make your parents support you…

So you could ever tell your teacher to ask you parents they won’t lie:P

So avoid the homework and get going…..

PS: Sameer hope you liked the post and won’t SC**W me for not telling you about it

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Standard Answers ab ho gaye poorane. Naye ka zamaana hai bhai…

So here’s presenting a series of posts which will help you avoid that thing called Homework…

Part 1:

The first strategy works like a charm, especially in “MUST SUBMIT NOTEBOOK” cases.

The scenario should be something like:

It’s almost the end of the term and the teachers been asking for everybody’s notebooks. You can’t escape because the teacher is very careful and maintains a list of people not submitting their notebooks.

You also however, cannot submit the notebook… because you’ve not goddamn made it.

So, What to Do:

Worry Not… You’ve just landed at the right place. Now what you’ve got to do is to pretend that you’ve lost your notebook…

“Oh Come On… D’you think she’ll buy that.” you say.

Well, She won’t believe it, if you’re the only guy to lose the notebook… but if 5-10 guys lose theirs, all at once…

She has no option but to believe you.

“How the FCUK are 5-10 guys gonna lose their notebook at once.”

It’s quite easy you know… Here’s what you gotta make sure.

1) I presume you don’t bring more than one notebook to school because you’ve not made anything else. So your bags should be as light as a feather.

2)Be careful while opening the bags which belong to the fairer sex… you might just find something that shifts your attention from the task on hand. And gives you a kick to fantasise unfamiliar territories…

3) Make it quick or people will be conspicous of your absence.

Back to the plan…

This plan (obviously) has to be executed when there’s no one in the class… i.e. in a games period or a library period.

What you’ve gotta do is… Steal some notebooks… students of all genres that is average, good and people like you…

Zero the names of students before hand so that you don’t face any dilemma on the D-DAY.

Open their bags… and take out the specific notebook.

And keep ‘em in your bag… Make sure that the stolen notebook would not be used again that day. Your bag will be a bit on the heavier side but that’s the price you gotta pay.

After you’re done “Take a Deep Breath…”

And go back to the place where you’re supposed to be and talk to as many kids as possible.

Next Day:

Start looking worried and make it clear to “the concerned Ma’am” …

“Uh…Ma’am I can’t find my … uh… notebook. I had it in my bag yesterday… But Now, It’s not there..”

Others will start talking too…

“Yes ma’am… My notebook is also lost.”

“Mine Also… Mine Also…”

So… Take a deep breath and suggest.

“Ma’am I think someone has stolen it… We should check the bags…”

And Voila!! The pandemonium has been created… Thou shalt have single-handedly wasted a period.

Moreover, you have readymade notes for your own perusal at the time of exams…

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Thing to do no. 1:

Get up from the desk… Pop your eyes like a frog… and slowly walk upto her. When she asks as to what the matter is… Give her a tight slap on her cheeks… Tell her… You did not want to do it… but the provocation was too much to stand.

Thing to do no. 2:

If it’s a science lecture… Tell her that if only and only if (Newton/ Darwin/ Rutherford’s) father had used a physical contraceptive device like Kandome… we would not have been subjected to this one helluva torture.

Thing to do no. 3:

If you want to do something more sober… Make long distance conversations from one corner to the other corner…

Boy in corner 1: What a bore this lady is na?

Boy in corner 2 : Seriously, this is more boring than seeing Dravid and Jaffer bat.

Boy in corner 1 should laugh loudly and with a lot of what we say zabardasti. After that he says… “OMG! Boy in corner 2… you are so very funny… Muhahahahahaha…”

Boy in Corner 2 makes it very clear to the cocerned lecturer that due to the abnormal torture of her course material boy in corner 1 is finding lame jokes funny.

Thing to do No. 4

Take a thumbs up bottle… throw it out of the window… and run out of the door to catch it… bring it back… they both would look the same… and this would get you really popular with the lame girls.

Thing to do No. 5

Write an apology letter…coz if you even try one of these you are very likely to be kicked out of the school… A good apology will make sure that you can have the cake and eat it too.

Tell me if you try any of these.

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