Funthusia

When I was small,

I thought

I shall become a pilot..

But then I was informed…

That I couldn’t become one

Because I had spects…

I then thought,

I’ll become an insurance agent,

But the insurance company got destroyed in an earthquake

and it was not insured against it…

Then I became a teacher

With the hope

Of beating students

That didn’t happen

And the students beat me up…

Then, I decided

I’ll surely become an engineer

But that too was not to be…

I flunked mathematics…

So I joined

POLITICS

And that worked,

I bought votes

I won elections

And now,

I am relaxed..

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Sameer had put up an interesting post about avoiding homework and am here to help you guys further as i was too tempted to contribute something…..

Small Kids : A Blessing in Disguise

So this idea struck me when this happened with me by sheer luck. I have a younger brother who’s 9 years younger than me (unofficially in few years he could be my dad given the sheer things he is learning which i never thought of at his age). Once he vomited on my book and it was all ruined…. and i had to buy another book. So it was a really good and valid reason

Can’t make the kid vomit?? Give him some Paint or colors and show him to draw and VOILA!!!! U have a master piece and then you can say  “Err… actually MA’M my brother/sister/nephew/niece tore it/colored over it/ vomited over it/ did potty over it….. ” you can make your imagination as wild as possible

So invite the naughtiest kid ( not related to the word $*X )  over for dinner and get going…..

To be safe….  make sure you have support from your parents…. like give the kid the notebook and go out of the house telling your mom/dad you have some work and he’s playing. Come back and make faces like WHAT THE F**** SCREAM, CRY… Get disappointed etc… etc… and make your parents support you…

So you could ever tell your teacher to ask you parents they won’t lie:P

So avoid the homework and get going…..

PS: Sameer hope you liked the post and won’t SC**W me for not telling you about it

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Standard Answers ab ho gaye poorane. Naye ka zamaana hai bhai…

So here’s presenting a series of posts which will help you avoid that thing called Homework…

Part 1:

The first strategy works like a charm, especially in “MUST SUBMIT NOTEBOOK” cases.

The scenario should be something like:

It’s almost the end of the term and the teachers been asking for everybody’s notebooks. You can’t escape because the teacher is very careful and maintains a list of people not submitting their notebooks.

You also however, cannot submit the notebook… because you’ve not goddamn made it.

So, What to Do:

Worry Not… You’ve just landed at the right place. Now what you’ve got to do is to pretend that you’ve lost your notebook…

“Oh Come On… D’you think she’ll buy that.” you say.

Well, She won’t believe it, if you’re the only guy to lose the notebook… but if 5-10 guys lose theirs, all at once…

She has no option but to believe you.

“How the FCUK are 5-10 guys gonna lose their notebook at once.”

It’s quite easy you know… Here’s what you gotta make sure.

1) I presume you don’t bring more than one notebook to school because you’ve not made anything else. So your bags should be as light as a feather.

2)Be careful while opening the bags which belong to the fairer sex… you might just find something that shifts your attention from the task on hand. And gives you a kick to fantasise unfamiliar territories…

3) Make it quick or people will be conspicous of your absence.

Back to the plan…

This plan (obviously) has to be executed when there’s no one in the class… i.e. in a games period or a library period.

What you’ve gotta do is… Steal some notebooks… students of all genres that is average, good and people like you…

Zero the names of students before hand so that you don’t face any dilemma on the D-DAY.

Open their bags… and take out the specific notebook.

And keep ‘em in your bag… Make sure that the stolen notebook would not be used again that day. Your bag will be a bit on the heavier side but that’s the price you gotta pay.

After you’re done “Take a Deep Breath…”

And go back to the place where you’re supposed to be and talk to as many kids as possible.

Next Day:

Start looking worried and make it clear to “the concerned Ma’am” …

“Uh…Ma’am I can’t find my … uh… notebook. I had it in my bag yesterday… But Now, It’s not there..”

Others will start talking too…

“Yes ma’am… My notebook is also lost.”

“Mine Also… Mine Also…”

So… Take a deep breath and suggest.

“Ma’am I think someone has stolen it… We should check the bags…”

And Voila!! The pandemonium has been created… Thou shalt have single-handedly wasted a period.

Moreover, you have readymade notes for your own perusal at the time of exams…

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unkownid_cooldude:

Heya!

Sameer:

Hey

unkownid_cooldude:

Dude u own funthusia..?

Sameer:

Yeah! I kinda do..

unknownid_cooldude:

Cool blog man… you are realllyyy talented…

Sameer:

Danke Danke…

unknownid_cooldude:

What?

Sameer:

Well Danke means thanks in german…

unknownid_cooldude:

Oh… Lol… I thought something else…

Sameer:

Dude… if you like my blog… why don’t you subscribe to its feed..

unknownid_cooldude:

Hmm..No…

Sameer:

Why Why?? :-O

unknownid_cooldude:

See, I don’t subscribe to feeds… I come and check your blog everyday… So why do I need to subscribe to its feed…

Sameer:

Thanks dude… but I need readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

What!! I am not a reader… Yeh toh meri beizzati ho gayi…

Sameer:

Uff..

unknownid_cooldude:

I am fed up of this feed thing…

Sameer:

See… I know you’re a reader but I can’t show it off… ya know. I need readers to somewhat establish my credibility…

unknownid_cooldude:

But what is the GODDAMN use… of subscribing to a feed…

Sameer:

Psst..you get updated if there’s any new content on my blog…

unknownid_cooldude:

Okay… so why do you need to update me when I check your blog everyday…

Sameer:

To get Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I dunno what it really means…

Sameer:

See… There are people who subscribe to your feed… using RSS… or through email… These are called Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I know email… but what’s RSS…

Sameer:

That’s something which helps readers read your feed…

unknownid_cooldude:

Dude… I think you should stick to blogging… don’t do this…

Sameer:

Do what?

unknownid_cooldude:

This feed thing…

Sameer:

But it’s a part of blogging…

unknownid_cooldude:

What part…

Sameer:

Feed part…

unknownid_cooldude:

Lol… It’s not RSS…

Sameer:

It is RSS

unknownid_cooldude:

I meant… It’s not Really Simple Suckah…

This is a work of fiction… Totahlly..

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Teacher:

Sameer! You need to cut your hair.

Sameer:

But it’s small Ma’am.

Teacher:

What Small? it should be Crew Cut…If by tomorrow you don’t cut your hair then I’ll cut it myself.

Sameer:

Sure Ma’am…You can cut it yourself. I never object to people cutting their hair.

Teacher:

Not my hair…I’ll cut your hair myself.

Sameer:

Why would you take such pains Ma’am.

Teacher:

Because your hair is big.

Sameer:

Ma’am I know many people get this urge…to quit their job and take up a new job…But ma’am I seriously think that you should stick to teaching. Afterall, being a barber doesn’t pay a lot.

Teacher (gets really angry):

How dare you call me a barber…  I am taking this stuff to the principal. He will set you right.

Sameer:

Ma’am India is a democracy right.

Teacher:

yes…But it is in the school rules that you need to cut your hair reguarly.

Sameer:

Not if it hurts your Religious sentiments…

Teacher:

But that’s only for Sikhs…I think. And you’re a hindu.

Sameer:

Well In India you can convert.

Teacher:

There must be some rites and rituals required to convert to Sikhism.

Sameer:

Well I am not converting to Sikhism…I am converting to another religion called Jhaatusim and there you have no need for rituals….Muhahahahaha…

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After the really unsuccesful first version…Here comes the second version.

Libra:

If you are underage then there is a huge possibility that your parents will get to know about your porn watching habits. Yes…Don’t think much. Go ahead and delete all your porn and don’t even dare backing it up.

Scorpio:

Dude, you rock big time…you are a scorpion and scorpions are intrinsically very very lucky. Whatever you do in your life will succeed. You are obviously the most sexy guy/girl in your class so you’ll get your mate of choice this week. FYI, I am a Scorpio.

Sagittarius:

I hate to break this news to you…but from this very moment you will not be able to download any porn on your computer. It’s a virus that has been transmitted from this blog to your comp which stops the download of any kind of porn. Moreover, you deserved this.

Capricorn:

Thank god you’ve read this. Because now you can’t tell that you weren’t warned. From this very moment if you eat outside food, you’re surely gonna lose all of your hair. And you will not get them back. Not even by hair weaving. Sacchhi.

Aquarius:

Aqua huh…you will not get the chance to brush your teeth for the whole week this week. Why? Because there will be no aqua aka water in your house. Moreover, the girl you have a secret crush on will come to kiss you…For obvious reasons she won’t come again ever after.

Pisces:

Hey congrats dude…You are bound to become a Preeti Jhangiani fan for life this week. My unmentionable ball is telling it to me. May god bless you dude. I can’t say anything else.

And the most important thing. To get rid of all these bad luck for your zodiac (except scorpio) you have to do one simple deed…and that is to subscribe to my feed.

That’s My Feed…Click on it.

And if you have always been bowled over by what is a feed question then you can use the email subscription widget at the right hand(for me) side of this blog.

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Ever since I was a kid,

I had a dream,

I really wanted to have long hair,

Very Very long hair.

I found it really cool,

But sadly it was…

Not allowed in my school.

Everytime my hair

touched my ears,

My teacher used to force me to cut it…

and even said that my hair was like a grizzly bear.

I tried to explain it to her that,

I don’t see a negative point in having big hair

Any interference by school

is so not fair.

It’s ironic actually,

that certain things we do

in the name of discipline

are so very contradictory…

We iron our shirts…to look good.

And we cut our hair…to (er…according to me) not look good.

India is a democracy,

And forcing any child to…

cut his hair is a blatant violation of that very Democracy…

There’s more I have to say,

But that’d be in my next post…

Anyways, concluding the poem

I’d say

This rule is a son of a nut…

What’s the friggin’ point in having a haircut.

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“Why am I here?” I said, the movement of my lips had sent a shock of pain to my head…

“Hmm…I think I should be the one asking questions. How much do you earn per year?”

“16 lakhs p.a. with taxes”

“You know that in a country like India, you can feed around 100 families for a month with that money.”

“So…”

“How many do you feed.”

“Ur…eh…One” I said feeling a bit guilty.

“Do you listen him brothers. He feeds just one family when he can feed many. Don’t you agree that he has to pay for what he has done…He has to…Mr. Devang, you will pay a check of Rs.Fifty One Lax in favour of Gaffer Dresses.”

“What…51 Lakhs??? I can’t afford that much…”

“Take loans…Beg, Borrow, Steal, Just pay up, else you die.”

The next thing I knew was signing a cheque of 51 lakhs.

***

The next time I reached the undisclosed part of Gaffer Dresses, my wounds were somewhat healed. At least the bedsheets on which I slept were not getting stained with blood anymore. The leader of the pack was called Masud Gaffer.

“So you brought the cheque.” He said

“Uh…Yes”

“Hmmm…Good.”

“What will you do to me now?”

“Kill you ofcourse.”

“But why?”

“Because you’ve exploited us enough…Couldn’t you pay a fraction of your earning to feed a family.”

“But we pay to the charity and that in turn feeds many .”

“I ain’t taking any of that…Charity guys are bloody motherfuckers. They earn money in our name. I am going to kill them someday too.”

Silence surrounded us for a while.

“ Where does this money go…The money I paid just now.”

“What this money…It goes to the homeless…starved families.”

“None of it goes to you?”

“No…I don’t do this for money.”

“Then why do you do it?”

“I do it for respect…rich bastards like you will never get it’s meaning.”

“You’ll get respect by killing me right.”

“Yes!”

“What if I run away from this country and you tell everyone that you’ve killed me. You can still have the respect.”

“What if you don’t run?”

“You’ve scared me enough to make me run away. I won’t be getting any sleep if I don’t run.”

“Okay…But why should I leave you…I want to kill you as much as any one of us.”

“What if I pay you five lakhs… in cash. Now…”

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Seema:

“Love is for Novels, Ishaan…and films…actually all kinds of stories.”

Ishaan:

“Huh..Stuff like “Love is for novels and films…” is mainly found in novels and films.”

Seema:

“What…I didn’t get you.”

Ishaan:

“It’s funny actually, because more often than not…when someone refers to the films…the referrer is in a film.”

Seema:

“It’s the same with novels and any kinds of stories…Stories referring to other kinds of stories.”

Ishaan:

“Yeah…And if you get to know about someone talking about stories it’s mainly in a story and we are talkin’ about stories so it’s most probable that we too are a part of some imaginary story.”

Seema

“So this is a story.”

Ishaan:

“Yeah…It’s a story we are in…”

Seema:

“But dude…Story has a conflict…A resolution.”

Ishaan:

“You just said the conflict…that the story doesn’t have a conflict. I am opposed to that. And that creates a conflict between the two of us.”

Seema:

“Nice observation. Now how do you resolve that conflict?”

Ishaan:

“Um…The fact that you agree that the conflict exists and the fact that the story writer is getting a bit lazy for making you to oppose more is a testimony to the fact that the conflict has been resolved.”

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Now this is something I’ve heard quite a few times and I’m sure yould have hard of it too… This post will tell you what to do in such situations.

Teacher: Sameer, you bunked tutions today. Why?

Sameer: Ma’am, Aman told me that we don’t have to go to tution today.

Teacher: Aman will tell you to jump in the well, will you jump?

Sameer: Sorry Ma’am.

After half an hour or so..

Teacher: Sameer, did you do the Homework…

Sameer: No Ma’am…why do I do it?

Teacher: Because I said.

Sameer: You will tell me to jump in the well and I will jump.

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