Funthusia

Standard Answers ab ho gaye poorane. Naye ka zamaana hai bhai…

So here’s presenting a series of posts which will help you avoid that thing called Homework…

Part 1:

The first strategy works like a charm, especially in “MUST SUBMIT NOTEBOOK” cases.

The scenario should be something like:

It’s almost the end of the term and the teachers been asking for everybody’s notebooks. You can’t escape because the teacher is very careful and maintains a list of people not submitting their notebooks.

You also however, cannot submit the notebook… because you’ve not goddamn made it.

So, What to Do:

Worry Not… You’ve just landed at the right place. Now what you’ve got to do is to pretend that you’ve lost your notebook…

“Oh Come On… D’you think she’ll buy that.” you say.

Well, She won’t believe it, if you’re the only guy to lose the notebook… but if 5-10 guys lose theirs, all at once…

She has no option but to believe you.

“How the FCUK are 5-10 guys gonna lose their notebook at once.”

It’s quite easy you know… Here’s what you gotta make sure.

1) I presume you don’t bring more than one notebook to school because you’ve not made anything else. So your bags should be as light as a feather.

2)Be careful while opening the bags which belong to the fairer sex… you might just find something that shifts your attention from the task on hand. And gives you a kick to fantasise unfamiliar territories…

3) Make it quick or people will be conspicous of your absence.

Back to the plan…

This plan (obviously) has to be executed when there’s no one in the class… i.e. in a games period or a library period.

What you’ve gotta do is… Steal some notebooks… students of all genres that is average, good and people like you…

Zero the names of students before hand so that you don’t face any dilemma on the D-DAY.

Open their bags… and take out the specific notebook.

And keep ‘em in your bag… Make sure that the stolen notebook would not be used again that day. Your bag will be a bit on the heavier side but that’s the price you gotta pay.

After you’re done “Take a Deep Breath…”

And go back to the place where you’re supposed to be and talk to as many kids as possible.

Next Day:

Start looking worried and make it clear to “the concerned Ma’am” …

“Uh…Ma’am I can’t find my … uh… notebook. I had it in my bag yesterday… But Now, It’s not there..”

Others will start talking too…

“Yes ma’am… My notebook is also lost.”

“Mine Also… Mine Also…”

So… Take a deep breath and suggest.

“Ma’am I think someone has stolen it… We should check the bags…”

And Voila!! The pandemonium has been created… Thou shalt have single-handedly wasted a period.

Moreover, you have readymade notes for your own perusal at the time of exams…

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Rahul Bajaj had a dream., he wanted to be like Nikhil Arora. He developed a Nikhil Arora walk and a Nikhil Arora talk.

But Nikhil Arora instead wanted to be like Karan Kapoor. So, he made it a point to atleast physically resemble Karan Kapoor. He started wearing the kind of clothes similar to the ones worn by Karan Kapoor.

So, Rahul Bajaj wnded up walking and talking like Nikhil Arora in the attire of Karan Kapoor.

And karan Kapoor was himself a very big impersonator of Tenzing Burai. Karan’s every move was in itself nothing more than an attempted imitation of Tenzing Burai.

As a result Nikhil Arora’s attire was not really Karan Kapoor’s but Tenzing Burai’s.

And coming back to, Rahul Bajaj- He ended up walking and talking like Nikhil Arora in the attire of a guy called Tenzing Burai… mixed with inputs from Karan Kapoor.

Tenzing Burai, instead was inspired by quite a few people in a quite a few no. of things… Hairstyle, exactly like Ramesh Kulkarni’s… The Ishant Jadeja Accent… The Aneesh Sharma stubble… The Jaspreet Singh Tie… Mahesh Tawade Socks… Rajen Malhotra Belt… etc. etc.

Now, even God doesn’t know who exactly is Rahul Bajaj resembling.

PS: Inspired from a chicken soup for the soul story… Don’t remember which one. So if by any stroke of luck you do, please let me know.

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This was written by me when I was in 9th standard. My best friend after reading this stole my lunch box… He didn’t think that a person who is as foolish as me should eat. Also, the “Kaun hai bai” (rhymes with bombay) Police has paid me 3 lakhs to use this material for torturing the really dangerous terrorists of TODA and FADA.

Sun shining is very important for making hay, because hay making is as scientific a process as the fertilization of gametes. After reading this article you’ll know why…

Hay in terms of a man who is lay, means:- “Yellow Grass…”

Now making that is not easy. It requires continued perseverance and immensely huge amounts of hardwork.

My brother once asked me:

“But can’t you just paint it yellow… rang de basanti..”

“Nopesy”

“Why not? It’ll turn yellow.”

“So…”

“It’ll be yellow grass…”

“But hay is not just yellow… it’s also dry… you ASS!”

So as you may have guessed, Hay is not just yellow… but also dried… so both the factors have to be kept in the mind.

So what do you do first? Dry it or yellow it.

My suggestion would be to yellow it. Because if you dry green grass, it will automatically become yellow… Hai Na.

But the vice-versa is not possible.

So what do you do, to dry it… Don’t worry I’ll give some ossum tips…

Tip No. 1

Go to your gujarati neighbour and ask her to feed you. Trust me… the amount of dhoklas and theplas that you’ll consume is sure to make you produce lots of heat in terms of fart. Now heat is good for drying you know…

Tip No. 2:

Watch a few IPl matches. The cheerleaders are hot enough to produce some serious heat… And heat is falways good for drying i say.

Tip No. 3:

If by any chance, you get sick of all this and get the great indian headache… Don’t even think of using navratna tel to get rid of it… why? coz it’s thanda thanda cool cool ( Cold Cold cool cool) and will neutralise all the hard work done by the cheetleading babes and your gujarati aunty…

Tip No. 4:

To end it all, keep reading my blog… coz’ the insanity of my posts is going to fry your bheja and that in turn will generate loads of heat… and you require heat na..

So hey, make hay while the sun shines… coz there’s not a greater source of heat than sun.

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Jeffrey Archer was scheduled to be in Infiniti Mall, Andheri… at 7 pm yesterday.

Next thing, I told my Mom…

“Mummy… Jeffrey Archer is coming to Mumbai today and I want to go…”

“Jeffrey Archer…who Jeffrey Archer…”

“The writer mom… those english novels that you see there are written by him.”

“Oh… Why do you want go then… buy the book.”

“Mom… this is one guy I really love… And want to meet.”

“But that doesn’t mean you’ll go all the way to Andheri… You’ve never been there… And mumbai is not a safe city… Anyone else coming with you.”

“No mom… No one appreciates the genius of Jeffrey Archer… and those who do are girls… and I can’t ask them out.”

After much fighting and shiting… I finally managed to convince mom about this going shoing…

But by the time I left I had no idea as to how far Andheri was from my place…  I left at 5:00 pm and the whole journey and my struggle to be there by 7:00 pm  was a toned down version of Johnny Depp’s “Nick of Time.”

So many… “Ah! I’ll make it safely now… before 7..”

and “Shit!! Am gonna be so late… that by the time I reach there tall guys infront of me, would not let me see..” moments, that I have  almost lost count.

Finally, I made it… That too on time…

But the tall guys were still there… Obstructing  me from seeing archer…

Slowly, I moved to the front row of standing people. You see the point, It is damn advantageous to be as  thin as I am.

Now without further ado.. I’ll move straight to the point. Lord Jeffrey Archer as he was referred to… really showed us why he was one of the bestselling authors in the world.

He began with his writing schedule… and he went on to some really interesting topics without breaking anyone’s attention even for a microsecond.

“You can be No. 1 in the new york times, No. 1 in the daily mail, no. 1 in the sydeny herald… but the real success is when they sell you at the traffic signals of India…”

Ah… I am sentimental.

“My first novel ‘Not a penny more, Not a penny less’ got rejected 17 times by different publishers… now that’s one thing I’ve beat Jk Rowling at.. her Harry Potter was rejected only 15 times…”

WTF!! :-O

“Honesty in writing is writing what you like and not what you think people will like.”

Very true… Refer to my Sattar Minute post to believe it.

“The boys are not gonna be very pleased… But from what i have seen in India, girls are smarter.”

Sir… the boys know they are smart.. it’s only the girls who need a little bit of encouragement…

“Twenty 20 is not cricket… Cricket is a match between India and England at lords with India 23/7… Tendulkar not… Dravid Not… Ganguly not…”

And Kumble Century Sir…

“I never thought I’d say this… But after seeing you guys… I’d have to say that the italians are cautious people… I guess we have killed 23 people in order to be here.”

Lolz..

“An interviewer once said to me… “I’ll never be able to sell 100 million copies sir… so I’ll just write a book that gets me a booker prize.’ “

More Lolz..

“Thank you… Thanks for coming.”

That’s all he said…to me. Said that it to everyone but still it means a lot to me…

Then came the autograph part… and I did some really stupid ingenious things which I am pretty sure you would not want to know…

Kya, you want to know… So here I go…

1) I have a bad habit… which didn’t seem bad until yesterday. I autograph the books that I buy with quotes like…

“Late to be and Late to rise, makes a woman funny sexy and nice..”

Now, yesterday… the book that I got autographed was already autographed by me. So his autograph went on top. On the brighter note… Me and Archer share a page.

2) Psst… Old books were not allowed. You had to buy it from the store where the event took place. I did not want to spent that much money so I got a 50 bux fountain novel in… and he signed it… woah.

Ingenious No.

Ciao, Tschuss, Alvida, Adios, Au Revoir, etc. etc. [good showoff na]

Sameer Jha

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unkownid_cooldude:

Heya!

Sameer:

Hey

unkownid_cooldude:

Dude u own funthusia..?

Sameer:

Yeah! I kinda do..

unknownid_cooldude:

Cool blog man… you are realllyyy talented…

Sameer:

Danke Danke…

unknownid_cooldude:

What?

Sameer:

Well Danke means thanks in german…

unknownid_cooldude:

Oh… Lol… I thought something else…

Sameer:

Dude… if you like my blog… why don’t you subscribe to its feed..

unknownid_cooldude:

Hmm..No…

Sameer:

Why Why?? :-O

unknownid_cooldude:

See, I don’t subscribe to feeds… I come and check your blog everyday… So why do I need to subscribe to its feed…

Sameer:

Thanks dude… but I need readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

What!! I am not a reader… Yeh toh meri beizzati ho gayi…

Sameer:

Uff..

unknownid_cooldude:

I am fed up of this feed thing…

Sameer:

See… I know you’re a reader but I can’t show it off… ya know. I need readers to somewhat establish my credibility…

unknownid_cooldude:

But what is the GODDAMN use… of subscribing to a feed…

Sameer:

Psst..you get updated if there’s any new content on my blog…

unknownid_cooldude:

Okay… so why do you need to update me when I check your blog everyday…

Sameer:

To get Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I dunno what it really means…

Sameer:

See… There are people who subscribe to your feed… using RSS… or through email… These are called Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I know email… but what’s RSS…

Sameer:

That’s something which helps readers read your feed…

unknownid_cooldude:

Dude… I think you should stick to blogging… don’t do this…

Sameer:

Do what?

unknownid_cooldude:

This feed thing…

Sameer:

But it’s a part of blogging…

unknownid_cooldude:

What part…

Sameer:

Feed part…

unknownid_cooldude:

Lol… It’s not RSS…

Sameer:

It is RSS

unknownid_cooldude:

I meant… It’s not Really Simple Suckah…

This is a work of fiction… Totahlly..

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After the really unsuccesful first version…Here comes the second version.

Libra:

If you are underage then there is a huge possibility that your parents will get to know about your porn watching habits. Yes…Don’t think much. Go ahead and delete all your porn and don’t even dare backing it up.

Scorpio:

Dude, you rock big time…you are a scorpion and scorpions are intrinsically very very lucky. Whatever you do in your life will succeed. You are obviously the most sexy guy/girl in your class so you’ll get your mate of choice this week. FYI, I am a Scorpio.

Sagittarius:

I hate to break this news to you…but from this very moment you will not be able to download any porn on your computer. It’s a virus that has been transmitted from this blog to your comp which stops the download of any kind of porn. Moreover, you deserved this.

Capricorn:

Thank god you’ve read this. Because now you can’t tell that you weren’t warned. From this very moment if you eat outside food, you’re surely gonna lose all of your hair. And you will not get them back. Not even by hair weaving. Sacchhi.

Aquarius:

Aqua huh…you will not get the chance to brush your teeth for the whole week this week. Why? Because there will be no aqua aka water in your house. Moreover, the girl you have a secret crush on will come to kiss you…For obvious reasons she won’t come again ever after.

Pisces:

Hey congrats dude…You are bound to become a Preeti Jhangiani fan for life this week. My unmentionable ball is telling it to me. May god bless you dude. I can’t say anything else.

And the most important thing. To get rid of all these bad luck for your zodiac (except scorpio) you have to do one simple deed…and that is to subscribe to my feed.

That’s My Feed…Click on it.

And if you have always been bowled over by what is a feed question then you can use the email subscription widget at the right hand(for me) side of this blog.

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Seema:

“Love is for Novels, Ishaan…and films…actually all kinds of stories.”

Ishaan:

“Huh..Stuff like “Love is for novels and films…” is mainly found in novels and films.”

Seema:

“What…I didn’t get you.”

Ishaan:

“It’s funny actually, because more often than not…when someone refers to the films…the referrer is in a film.”

Seema:

“It’s the same with novels and any kinds of stories…Stories referring to other kinds of stories.”

Ishaan:

“Yeah…And if you get to know about someone talking about stories it’s mainly in a story and we are talkin’ about stories so it’s most probable that we too are a part of some imaginary story.”

Seema

“So this is a story.”

Ishaan:

“Yeah…It’s a story we are in…”

Seema:

“But dude…Story has a conflict…A resolution.”

Ishaan:

“You just said the conflict…that the story doesn’t have a conflict. I am opposed to that. And that creates a conflict between the two of us.”

Seema:

“Nice observation. Now how do you resolve that conflict?”

Ishaan:

“Um…The fact that you agree that the conflict exists and the fact that the story writer is getting a bit lazy for making you to oppose more is a testimony to the fact that the conflict has been resolved.”

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Before you read this I am sure you would like to check out Simply Messaging Someone 1.0 .
The only relation is that both are a series of messages and the story is told through these messages.

Varun:

Hey, where r u?
Why dint u reply to d msg I sent last nite…

Deepali:

Listen…Today only I joined Satish Tutorials so slept early y’day…am in a boring lecture now..

Varun:

Lol…btw which subj lecture is goin’ on now?

Deepali

It’s a/c…:-(…Bank reconciliation statement…I can’t understand anythin’…

Varun:

Hmm…Stop paying attention then. It’s no use. Who else is der wid you?

Deepali:

Tanay, Sachet, Kiran & Isha…neways where are you now?

Varun:

Am at my house…alone…so was watching a movie.

Deepali:

Vyom dahling, listen…can you meet me at Ohri’s @ 7 in d eve.

Varun:

K Sweetie…I’ll b there 4 sure…

Deepali:

This mobile has been taken from the owner by Satish Tutorials for use during Lectures.

Varun:

Stop Kidding Deepali…A tutorial wouldn’t have informed me abt the confiscation…

Deepali:

LMAO…LOL…Am Tanay dude and Deepali had given me this mobile to call up my mom. I forgot to return it to her and she forgot to ask…

Varun:

Really..Nice trick dude…You never let yourself know…

Deepali:

MUHAHAHA…Varun, you can catch my bluff once but you can’t catch it twice..:-))

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This is actually an Sms Mini Series. It’s a series of 12 messages between two individuals and the conversation is what makes up a story. The SMS lingo is intentional.

Shiraz:

Hi Akash,
Howz u? Me in Mumbai now…looking forward to mee you.
Plz reply. –Shiraz

Shreya:

Lol…Akash…Who Akash??? I m shreya and who gave you dis no.

Shiraz:

Oops…Sorry. Akash was my friend back in delhi…He is now in studyin’ in Mumbai.
I am here so I messaged him.

Shreya:

Bt d msg was rcvd by me. Newayz, I had a bad day and you cheered me up. Thanks.

Shiraz:

Oh Cool, It’s good that you dint feel bad. So I guess we’ve become msg frnds. lolz.

Shreya:

Yep sure…Shiraz…temmi somethin abt u…

Shiraz:

Well…I am a SRK fan and a Jim Carrey clone. I like telling stories and most of them are at my blog funthusia.com

Shreya:

Kkkkkkkooooooool. I think it’s good. I too write but not very often.

Shiraz:

Hmmm…Newayz I hv just arrived in Mum. And would you mind if we meetup somewhere.

Hmm…:

Fuck you, Shiraz. I m Akash. Fuhget at Shreya cuz she ain’t exist…Newayz, c u tom. In the CCD at City Centre, Vashi….i’ll b der…

Shiraz:

WTF!! I thot i had a huge crush on this girl. Neways, akash since when have you started liking Coffee….

Shreya:

Hmmm…Don’t tell me Aakash doesn’t like Coffee.

Update:

Also check out..Simply Messaging Someone 2.0

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In one sentence, these are the different types of people who watch porn. (you can say the different kinds of guys if you want to.)

Species 1: All Porn is good Porn…

This species is bloody boring. They think that every friggin’ adult video that’s made is sexy and uh…titillating. Another instance of the extent of boredom that this guy generates is that I am sure you were bored reading the description of this kind of species.

Species 2: I am the guru…what are you?

This guy has made watching and downloading porn as the sole purpose for his existence. It’s very probable that this guy has a super fast internet connection and a 200 gb external hard disk. (200 gb of porn, to get him a hard on!)

He wakes up at night and sleeps throughout the day (read night unlimited.). If god came up to him and granted him a wish: He would ask for all the porn videos that exists right inside (digitally I mean) his hard disk.

This species is also a source of porn for the usual people (species 4) as he is the one uploading and sharing porn on internet with a user id like: Bl@d3M@$ter, TheUltimateGuru, coolboy_vivek, etc.

Species 3: My mom will Catch me…

This guy is as paranoid of his mom as Manmohan Singh is of Sonia Gandhi. However, he does love porn and is a type 1 species too (all porn good porn wala). Aur agar sale ko ek mauka mila toh apne dost ke ghar pe jaayega, aur usse porn dekhne ke liye force karega. Lekin jab wohi dost iske ghar pe aayega, to sale ki porn dekhne me gaand fatti hai.

Species 4: The usual…

He becomes a porn maniac only when his mom is not at home (other times he is content downloading). He was a type 1 when he began his porn education, but then he has matured now and is a type 4. (That didn’t make any sense but still…)

He loves fresh porn and can’t watch a clip more than twice. The biggest tragedy of his life is in not having a credit card to register on websites like Mr.Skin, Celebrity Movie Archive, etc.

Species 5: Watching Porn is a Sin…

Bah Humbug!! This is the most ridiculous kind of species (yeah worse than type 1). He is a big fat liar. He is so friggin’ ridiculous that he googles for the word “FUCK” the first time he hears it. Huh…If you are a type 5 species then you bloody get out of my blog coz’ you are ridiculous.

There are many more like:

1. No videsi only desi

2. Not Celebrity, Not Allowed

3. Only Lesbian (Muhahahaha)

4. Only Gay (Eeeks)

etc…etc…

Add more in the comments if you know of it.

Cheers,

Sameer Jha

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