Funthusia

Sameer had put up an interesting post about avoiding homework and am here to help you guys further as i was too tempted to contribute something…..

Small Kids : A Blessing in Disguise

So this idea struck me when this happened with me by sheer luck. I have a younger brother who’s 9 years younger than me (unofficially in few years he could be my dad given the sheer things he is learning which i never thought of at his age). Once he vomited on my book and it was all ruined…. and i had to buy another book. So it was a really good and valid reason

Can’t make the kid vomit?? Give him some Paint or colors and show him to draw and VOILA!!!! U have a master piece and then you can say  “Err… actually MA’M my brother/sister/nephew/niece tore it/colored over it/ vomited over it/ did potty over it….. ” you can make your imagination as wild as possible

So invite the naughtiest kid ( not related to the word $*X )  over for dinner and get going…..

To be safe….  make sure you have support from your parents…. like give the kid the notebook and go out of the house telling your mom/dad you have some work and he’s playing. Come back and make faces like WHAT THE F**** SCREAM, CRY… Get disappointed etc… etc… and make your parents support you…

So you could ever tell your teacher to ask you parents they won’t lie:P

So avoid the homework and get going…..

PS: Sameer hope you liked the post and won’t SC**W me for not telling you about it

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Standard Answers ab ho gaye poorane. Naye ka zamaana hai bhai…

So here’s presenting a series of posts which will help you avoid that thing called Homework…

Part 1:

The first strategy works like a charm, especially in “MUST SUBMIT NOTEBOOK” cases.

The scenario should be something like:

It’s almost the end of the term and the teachers been asking for everybody’s notebooks. You can’t escape because the teacher is very careful and maintains a list of people not submitting their notebooks.

You also however, cannot submit the notebook… because you’ve not goddamn made it.

So, What to Do:

Worry Not… You’ve just landed at the right place. Now what you’ve got to do is to pretend that you’ve lost your notebook…

“Oh Come On… D’you think she’ll buy that.” you say.

Well, She won’t believe it, if you’re the only guy to lose the notebook… but if 5-10 guys lose theirs, all at once…

She has no option but to believe you.

“How the FCUK are 5-10 guys gonna lose their notebook at once.”

It’s quite easy you know… Here’s what you gotta make sure.

1) I presume you don’t bring more than one notebook to school because you’ve not made anything else. So your bags should be as light as a feather.

2)Be careful while opening the bags which belong to the fairer sex… you might just find something that shifts your attention from the task on hand. And gives you a kick to fantasise unfamiliar territories…

3) Make it quick or people will be conspicous of your absence.

Back to the plan…

This plan (obviously) has to be executed when there’s no one in the class… i.e. in a games period or a library period.

What you’ve gotta do is… Steal some notebooks… students of all genres that is average, good and people like you…

Zero the names of students before hand so that you don’t face any dilemma on the D-DAY.

Open their bags… and take out the specific notebook.

And keep ‘em in your bag… Make sure that the stolen notebook would not be used again that day. Your bag will be a bit on the heavier side but that’s the price you gotta pay.

After you’re done “Take a Deep Breath…”

And go back to the place where you’re supposed to be and talk to as many kids as possible.

Next Day:

Start looking worried and make it clear to “the concerned Ma’am” …

“Uh…Ma’am I can’t find my … uh… notebook. I had it in my bag yesterday… But Now, It’s not there..”

Others will start talking too…

“Yes ma’am… My notebook is also lost.”

“Mine Also… Mine Also…”

So… Take a deep breath and suggest.

“Ma’am I think someone has stolen it… We should check the bags…”

And Voila!! The pandemonium has been created… Thou shalt have single-handedly wasted a period.

Moreover, you have readymade notes for your own perusal at the time of exams…

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Reason 1:

One of the major lessons that needs to be taught to a child is to work in a team. Not cheating in exams helps prevent that very team-spirit.

You see, Everyone gets to play their part… 5 students study 5 different subjects. And each of them, show others the answer paper of the one subject they’ve studied in return for seeing the answer papers of four subjects that they’ve not studied.

Reason 2:

“Child is the father of the man.”
-William Wordsworth.

Very true, and we need to train a person at a tender age so that they can grow up to become better and responsible human beings.

And in a country like India, where terrorism is a major problem… A child needs to be taught the postulates of combating terrorism.

And as, High level alertness is the whole and soul of combating terrorism. The child surely needs to be taught as to how to be alert.

Encouraging them to copy in high security exams… they’ll know everything about being alert and also hiding from the public eye. This very knowledge will go a long way in helping them stop terrorists.

Reason 3:

Besides the above two reasons, cheating also helps a child plan and manage. Which is exactly what big people are taught at Management institutes.

Lemme Explain how, In papers involving multiple choice questions, the planning of few of the kids that I’ve had the good luck of meeting are mind boggling…

For (a) : Put finger in the right ear.
For (b) : Put finger in the left ear.
For (C) : Put finger in the nose.
For (d) : Put pen in the mouth.

So it is very obvious that if kids can talk in such complex code language at this tender age… then they’ll do great service to the indian military in the future.

Afterall, breaking and making codes is literally a child’s play for them.

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This was written by me when I was in 9th standard. My best friend after reading this stole my lunch box… He didn’t think that a person who is as foolish as me should eat. Also, the “Kaun hai bai” (rhymes with bombay) Police has paid me 3 lakhs to use this material for torturing the really dangerous terrorists of TODA and FADA.

Sun shining is very important for making hay, because hay making is as scientific a process as the fertilization of gametes. After reading this article you’ll know why…

Hay in terms of a man who is lay, means:- “Yellow Grass…”

Now making that is not easy. It requires continued perseverance and immensely huge amounts of hardwork.

My brother once asked me:

“But can’t you just paint it yellow… rang de basanti..”

“Nopesy”

“Why not? It’ll turn yellow.”

“So…”

“It’ll be yellow grass…”

“But hay is not just yellow… it’s also dry… you ASS!”

So as you may have guessed, Hay is not just yellow… but also dried… so both the factors have to be kept in the mind.

So what do you do first? Dry it or yellow it.

My suggestion would be to yellow it. Because if you dry green grass, it will automatically become yellow… Hai Na.

But the vice-versa is not possible.

So what do you do, to dry it… Don’t worry I’ll give some ossum tips…

Tip No. 1

Go to your gujarati neighbour and ask her to feed you. Trust me… the amount of dhoklas and theplas that you’ll consume is sure to make you produce lots of heat in terms of fart. Now heat is good for drying you know…

Tip No. 2:

Watch a few IPl matches. The cheerleaders are hot enough to produce some serious heat… And heat is falways good for drying i say.

Tip No. 3:

If by any chance, you get sick of all this and get the great indian headache… Don’t even think of using navratna tel to get rid of it… why? coz it’s thanda thanda cool cool ( Cold Cold cool cool) and will neutralise all the hard work done by the cheetleading babes and your gujarati aunty…

Tip No. 4:

To end it all, keep reading my blog… coz’ the insanity of my posts is going to fry your bheja and that in turn will generate loads of heat… and you require heat na..

So hey, make hay while the sun shines… coz there’s not a greater source of heat than sun.

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Thing to do no. 1:

Get up from the desk… Pop your eyes like a frog… and slowly walk upto her. When she asks as to what the matter is… Give her a tight slap on her cheeks… Tell her… You did not want to do it… but the provocation was too much to stand.

Thing to do no. 2:

If it’s a science lecture… Tell her that if only and only if (Newton/ Darwin/ Rutherford’s) father had used a physical contraceptive device like Kandome… we would not have been subjected to this one helluva torture.

Thing to do no. 3:

If you want to do something more sober… Make long distance conversations from one corner to the other corner…

Boy in corner 1: What a bore this lady is na?

Boy in corner 2 : Seriously, this is more boring than seeing Dravid and Jaffer bat.

Boy in corner 1 should laugh loudly and with a lot of what we say zabardasti. After that he says… “OMG! Boy in corner 2… you are so very funny… Muhahahahahaha…”

Boy in Corner 2 makes it very clear to the cocerned lecturer that due to the abnormal torture of her course material boy in corner 1 is finding lame jokes funny.

Thing to do No. 4

Take a thumbs up bottle… throw it out of the window… and run out of the door to catch it… bring it back… they both would look the same… and this would get you really popular with the lame girls.

Thing to do No. 5

Write an apology letter…coz if you even try one of these you are very likely to be kicked out of the school… A good apology will make sure that you can have the cake and eat it too.

Tell me if you try any of these.

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Well… er… eh… read for yourself.

Sattar minute hai tumhare paas
shayad
tumhari zindagi ke sabse antim
sattar minute
aaj tum kisi ko chodo ya nahiin..
yeh sattar minute tumhe
zindagi bhar yaad rahenge

Toh kaise chodna hai
Yeh toh tumhe experience karke hi malloom hoga
aur main bas itna kahunga
ki jaao
aur yeh sattar minute
jee bhar ke chodlo

kyunki iske baad aane wale zindagi mein
jo ki aane nahi wali
kyunki mar jaaoge
lekin yeh sattar minute ka sex tumhe bahut satisfaction dega..
bahut satisfaction..
bahut saara

toh
maine socha ki
Main tumhe yeh na kahoon ki tumhe kaunsa condom
use karna hai
koi bhi karo…
par australian na karna (salaam namaste nahi dekhi kya)…
kya pata jaate jaate tum apni nishaani chhod jaao

toh jaao
jaao aur apne aap se
iss zindagi se
apne khuda se
aur har uss insaan se jisne tumhe
tumhe choda nahi ho
apne sattar minute mein unko chod lo…

How’s it eh?

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Teacher:

Sameer! You need to cut your hair.

Sameer:

But it’s small Ma’am.

Teacher:

What Small? it should be Crew Cut…If by tomorrow you don’t cut your hair then I’ll cut it myself.

Sameer:

Sure Ma’am…You can cut it yourself. I never object to people cutting their hair.

Teacher:

Not my hair…I’ll cut your hair myself.

Sameer:

Why would you take such pains Ma’am.

Teacher:

Because your hair is big.

Sameer:

Ma’am I know many people get this urge…to quit their job and take up a new job…But ma’am I seriously think that you should stick to teaching. Afterall, being a barber doesn’t pay a lot.

Teacher (gets really angry):

How dare you call me a barber…  I am taking this stuff to the principal. He will set you right.

Sameer:

Ma’am India is a democracy right.

Teacher:

yes…But it is in the school rules that you need to cut your hair reguarly.

Sameer:

Not if it hurts your Religious sentiments…

Teacher:

But that’s only for Sikhs…I think. And you’re a hindu.

Sameer:

Well In India you can convert.

Teacher:

There must be some rites and rituals required to convert to Sikhism.

Sameer:

Well I am not converting to Sikhism…I am converting to another religion called Jhaatusim and there you have no need for rituals….Muhahahahaha…

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Ever since I was a kid,

I had a dream,

I really wanted to have long hair,

Very Very long hair.

I found it really cool,

But sadly it was…

Not allowed in my school.

Everytime my hair

touched my ears,

My teacher used to force me to cut it…

and even said that my hair was like a grizzly bear.

I tried to explain it to her that,

I don’t see a negative point in having big hair

Any interference by school

is so not fair.

It’s ironic actually,

that certain things we do

in the name of discipline

are so very contradictory…

We iron our shirts…to look good.

And we cut our hair…to (er…according to me) not look good.

India is a democracy,

And forcing any child to…

cut his hair is a blatant violation of that very Democracy…

There’s more I have to say,

But that’d be in my next post…

Anyways, concluding the poem

I’d say

This rule is a son of a nut…

What’s the friggin’ point in having a haircut.

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One fine Day,

I made a Blog,

I did not want to make it on say,

A free host like Blogger or Wordpress…

So with the help of a friend,

I decided to buy a domain,

And some webspace to go with that.

Now I had a blog,

And I promoted it,

Mainly by commenting on other blogs,

Spamming Orkut, telling my friends, etcetera etcetera

After a few days,

When I felt my blog had some content

I asked a webmaster to link me up…

On his blogroll that is…

He asked me my page rank,

I was not sure about mine.

So I checked,

I checked mine and I checked the other webmaster’s…

I said, “Dude! I got a better PR than you…mine is 1 and yours is 6…”

I was chatting with him so he gave me an emoticon (smiley)…

The “Rolling on the floor laughing” emoticon,

I knew I had done something stupid.

I then understood the real meaning of PR,

It’s about backlinks to your site,

And the higher your PR,

The better your site

According to Google’s wonderful search engine…

I still hate the concept,

But I guess I have to live with it…

Sadly, The prime need for SEOing your site…

Is improving your pagerank…

My PR is still 1…

And I don’t know of a concrete plan of how to improve it…

If you can help by putting me in your blogroll,

Please do…

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Seema:

“Love is for Novels, Ishaan…and films…actually all kinds of stories.”

Ishaan:

“Huh..Stuff like “Love is for novels and films…” is mainly found in novels and films.”

Seema:

“What…I didn’t get you.”

Ishaan:

“It’s funny actually, because more often than not…when someone refers to the films…the referrer is in a film.”

Seema:

“It’s the same with novels and any kinds of stories…Stories referring to other kinds of stories.”

Ishaan:

“Yeah…And if you get to know about someone talking about stories it’s mainly in a story and we are talkin’ about stories so it’s most probable that we too are a part of some imaginary story.”

Seema

“So this is a story.”

Ishaan:

“Yeah…It’s a story we are in…”

Seema:

“But dude…Story has a conflict…A resolution.”

Ishaan:

“You just said the conflict…that the story doesn’t have a conflict. I am opposed to that. And that creates a conflict between the two of us.”

Seema:

“Nice observation. Now how do you resolve that conflict?”

Ishaan:

“Um…The fact that you agree that the conflict exists and the fact that the story writer is getting a bit lazy for making you to oppose more is a testimony to the fact that the conflict has been resolved.”

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