Funthusia

This is actually an Sms Mini Series. It’s a series of 12 messages between two individuals and the conversation is what makes up a story. The SMS lingo is intentional.

Shiraz:

Hi Akash,
Howz u? Me in Mumbai now…looking forward to mee you.
Plz reply. –Shiraz

Shreya:

Lol…Akash…Who Akash??? I m shreya and who gave you dis no.

Shiraz:

Oops…Sorry. Akash was my friend back in delhi…He is now in studyin’ in Mumbai.
I am here so I messaged him.

Shreya:

Bt d msg was rcvd by me. Newayz, I had a bad day and you cheered me up. Thanks.

Shiraz:

Oh Cool, It’s good that you dint feel bad. So I guess we’ve become msg frnds. lolz.

Shreya:

Yep sure…Shiraz…temmi somethin abt u…

Shiraz:

Well…I am a SRK fan and a Jim Carrey clone. I like telling stories and most of them are at my blog funthusia.com

Shreya:

Kkkkkkkooooooool. I think it’s good. I too write but not very often.

Shiraz:

Hmmm…Newayz I hv just arrived in Mum. And would you mind if we meetup somewhere.

Hmm…:

Fuck you, Shiraz. I m Akash. Fuhget at Shreya cuz she ain’t exist…Newayz, c u tom. In the CCD at City Centre, Vashi….i’ll b der…

Shiraz:

WTF!! I thot i had a huge crush on this girl. Neways, akash since when have you started liking Coffee….

Shreya:

Hmmm…Don’t tell me Aakash doesn’t like Coffee.

Update:

Also check out..Simply Messaging Someone 2.0

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In one sentence, these are the different types of people who watch porn. (you can say the different kinds of guys if you want to.)

Species 1: All Porn is good Porn…

This species is bloody boring. They think that every friggin’ adult video that’s made is sexy and uh…titillating. Another instance of the extent of boredom that this guy generates is that I am sure you were bored reading the description of this kind of species.

Species 2: I am the guru…what are you?

This guy has made watching and downloading porn as the sole purpose for his existence. It’s very probable that this guy has a super fast internet connection and a 200 gb external hard disk. (200 gb of porn, to get him a hard on!)

He wakes up at night and sleeps throughout the day (read night unlimited.). If god came up to him and granted him a wish: He would ask for all the porn videos that exists right inside (digitally I mean) his hard disk.

This species is also a source of porn for the usual people (species 4) as he is the one uploading and sharing porn on internet with a user id like: Bl@d3M@$ter, TheUltimateGuru, coolboy_vivek, etc.

Species 3: My mom will Catch me…

This guy is as paranoid of his mom as Manmohan Singh is of Sonia Gandhi. However, he does love porn and is a type 1 species too (all porn good porn wala). Aur agar sale ko ek mauka mila toh apne dost ke ghar pe jaayega, aur usse porn dekhne ke liye force karega. Lekin jab wohi dost iske ghar pe aayega, to sale ki porn dekhne me gaand fatti hai.

Species 4: The usual…

He becomes a porn maniac only when his mom is not at home (other times he is content downloading). He was a type 1 when he began his porn education, but then he has matured now and is a type 4. (That didn’t make any sense but still…)

He loves fresh porn and can’t watch a clip more than twice. The biggest tragedy of his life is in not having a credit card to register on websites like Mr.Skin, Celebrity Movie Archive, etc.

Species 5: Watching Porn is a Sin…

Bah Humbug!! This is the most ridiculous kind of species (yeah worse than type 1). He is a big fat liar. He is so friggin’ ridiculous that he googles for the word “FUCK” the first time he hears it. Huh…If you are a type 5 species then you bloody get out of my blog coz’ you are ridiculous.

There are many more like:

1. No videsi only desi

2. Not Celebrity, Not Allowed

3. Only Lesbian (Muhahahaha)

4. Only Gay (Eeeks)

etc…etc…

Add more in the comments if you know of it.

Cheers,

Sameer Jha

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Love Poems are the easiest to write,

The best thing about it is that it

Needn’t be black or white.

Not in colour but in character.

I’ll cry for you,

I’ll die for you,

But just when I was about to die,

I kinda had to go to the loo.

You know it’s mainly because

When you love,

You become obsessed with it.

The words just flow in

You don’t have to think.

But if you write in some other genre,

It gets a lot tougher,

Mainly because there is no greater inspiration

Than a woman you love.

[You know, I have not read enough Shakespeare to call that a muse.]

Now people (old poets) very oft,

Write about nature.

I don’t like ‘em

Coz if you just look at the interest factor,

Real life creatures are so much more greater.

I love the colour blue,

I love the colour red,

Without you I’d rather be dead.

Exaggerated it may sound if you haven’t been in love.

But if you have,

You would agree that if you can write on just one kind of genre,

It would be love.

Therefore, love poems are the easiest to write.

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It’s late in the night,

And there’s a mouse to my right.

I am looking at the screen,

Surfing websites which are totally clean.

I am surfing through forums

And I am surfing through blogs,

Everyone else has slept

Except maybe the dogs.

In around two hours, it will be morning

That’s the time when my brother’s alarm would ring.

That would be also the time when I go to sleep,

Into my dreams which are nice, long and deep.

-Sameer Jha

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I needed to cut my nails,

A nail cutter was what I was looking for.

The last time I bought one,

It had a brand name on it,

Something like “Adebayor“.

It worked really fine,
To know that, you didn’t have to be an Einstein.

Erm…I am still searching for it,
I don’t actually remember where I kept it.

I think I kept it under the bed where I guess my aunt slept.

So I guess she stole my nail-cutter.
You know what, I avenged

And I stole her husband’s imported butter.

-Sameer Jha

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2:00 pm

It was the time when I was alone in my bedroom, with no clothes, no pubic hair and a letter clutched in my hand.

The letter was from District Sports Authority, which read that they needed my blood samples. The news was as shocking for me as the news of all the porn getting deleted from my computer.

Anyways, I guess they have started checking now and I would be in great trouble if they successfully check mine.

I looked around myself for clues but the only clue I could get was that I was in deep shit and I needed to make some arrangements to get out of the shit. I had absolutely no clue about the arrangements though.

Then something struck me…No…not the new Mirinda Orangy Blast… but an idea.

I picked up the receiver and punched in a few digits.

“You…
Do You remember me…
Like I remember you…”

This guy had a nice caller tune…Someone picked up the receiver on the other side.

“Hello Rajeev.”

I had called up Neil. He was a friend of mine whose father was probably the doctor who was going to check my blood for the drugs.

“Neil, yaar, I need your help.”

“What kind of help?”

“Umm…does your father still works as the consultant doctor of the sports authority?”

“Yeah. What with that?”

“Okay cool. Now listen to what I am saying very carefully.”

I explained the whole thing to him. I explained how he was going to save me from the trouble I would face if the authority gets me. I even explained his role in saving me.

“It’s not that easy, Rajeev. I have to steal keys, get into their lab, and all that. It’s fucking risky.”

“Dude! The security is all fucked up! You can easily bribe them. I’ll pay the amount of bribes given.”

“Okay fine.”

“I guess you should come to my place now to discuss the plan in some more detail.”

“In an hour, Eisenhower.”

“No time for jokes, Neil.”

“Bye. See ya.”

“Bye”

3:15 pm

The plan was a bit like something that you see in the movies though the risks involved over here were not of that magnitude and it was a lot safer to execute. The principle used over here was simple:- Exchange the samples. Even a third grade kid can think of that now. Mostly, because of the wonderful movies that are being made these days.

“What would I get in return for all this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why do I do this.”

“Neil, you are supposed to be my friend. Help me out in times of need.”

“Well, then dude I need something.”

“What?”

“I need to fuck you.”

I was more shocked than angry. It answered quite a few questions. He didn’t mingle with girls not because he cared about his career but because he was a homosexual.

“I am not going to do this. I don’t care if it ends my fucking career.”

I felt a bit better now.

“Cool man! You don’t have to worry about your career…”

“Why?”

“Well for one, this is just a part of some stupid author’s imagination.”

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When times go bad, even babas go bad. Well now, times had gone bad and the most popular of this bad baba group was with a name of “Jai Baba Shaitan” .

At one such gathering of him and his followers.

J.B.S: Good evening folks….You rich assholes have paid a fucking amount of sum for enrolling to my course, (pauses for effect)
“ The Art of Killing…”
Some of you have paid in fake notes but that’s okay…”

*2-3 people drool at Baba…

J.B.S: We all are chutiyas and madarchods. We also are the best possible scum of the earth. Assholes like us are very rare to find. But at the end we are proud of what we are and that is very important..
“Never Feel Guilty of The CRIMES you do!!”

*One guy stands up and shows his middle finger*

J.B.S:- Thank you my boy!! Lying, back-stabbing and abusing is very important in life. It purifies your soul and; makes you a successful human being. Crimes should be committed, and innocents should be convicted. Afterall,the innocent’s didn’t pay for my course.

*One guy gets up and says, “We are here to fucking learn about killing.”*

J.B.S:- I was just coming to that my boy…SOUL is the ultimate thing in your body…So you need to make it happy but how are you going to do that…You’re going to do that by adding your soul to someone else’s, i.e. to kill…a man and add his soul to yours..Too Doo!! It’s all about the soul…I have killed a lot of people and my soul is of first grade. Hell, I would have got an ISI certificate for it… Only if they certified it.

*A man gets up from the crowd, takes out an Avtomat Kalashnikov 47 (AK 47) and shoots the Baba…(His name is Prachanda)

Prachanda (to baba) : All I wanted was a soul…and you had huge depository of them…

*He pauses for effect*

Prachanda (to the gathering): We All paid money to learn to KILL right…

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