Funthusia

Farting is traditionally looked down upon. It is a matter of shame for the person who has extracted the gas. I, Sameer Jha,  a rational and  a really philosophical thinker wishes to change it using this article.

 Now, there is a lot of misinformation about farting that’s being circulated amongst the humans. Firstly, farting is good for your health. It kills the germs of your nose which would not have been killed otherwise. A major percentage of the stench that is evacuated from the farter’s rear is because the germs are getting killed. And their death is pivotal,  not only pivotal but also imperative for the well being of your nose.

Farting’s cool. Not in the literal sense. In the literal sense, its hot. But morally and ethically,  its cool. So, its time for you to not be a fool and NOT look down upon farting.

Issued in Public Interest by Funthusia.com. 

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(Principal’s Office)

It’s a nice and cool room with portraits of people who are atleast 85

years of age.

Principal:

Good Morning Sameer…

(He says this and nods his head which is the same as signalling me to
sit down.)

Principal:

So why do you want to be the head boy?

Sameer (that’s me):

Well for one, I have a head and am not yet a man which implies I am a
boy… It’s pretty simple sir, I think I have the passion, the attitude
to be a roadie… uh… the head boy. It’s my life.

(Asshole doesn’t look amused at my wonderful joke..)

Prinicpal:

Oh okay… I see… What are you hobbies Sameer.

Sameer:

Urm… I like to eat in the class… specially lunches brought by
someone else. And then I love to steal someone else’s notebook.. It’s kinda cool you know.. Steal someone’s notebook… and when you are done with it… keeping it in his/her best friend’s bag.. Genius no… Also…

(I blabber a few more thnings and he seems to be laughing.)

Principal:

Oh I see… You have a good sense of humor. Good Good. Not many people
crack jokes in front of me. It’s good that you are comfortable and confident with your principal.

(WHAAAAAAAAAAT!!! That was the truth. )

Principal:

So sameer… who’s your idol.. the one person you look up to.

Sameer:

Sir.. I am not sure whether you’ll believe me but it’s Vivek Oberoi…
I have become his GREATEST fan ever since I saw his face in that Babool
ad. I mean that was pure genius at work.

Principal:

Oh okay…

(Takes this one seriously bloody nOOb.)

Principal:

Ok Sameer…
Final Question. What are the changes that you as the school
representative will being about in the school?

Sameer:

Firstly, I would make sure that the head boy gets access to one full
plate of tandoori chicken everyday. Now sir this is very important…
To take active part in the activities of the school, the head boy needs
to maintain his health and for that very reason he should be goven
tandoori chicken everyday. I have doctor’s report that tandoori
chicken== good health.

Also sir I’ll not poke my nose into the dirty affairs of others… as I
think the students of this school should be self-dependent,
self-reliant and every other self-realted adjective…

Prinicpal:

Oh I see… with that answer you’ll definitely get a badge.

Sameer:

Oh thank you sir…

(I always knew this from the beginning…)

Principal:

You are surely going to be the dead boy of this school.

Sameer:

Arey mere paise ka kya hua…

Principal:

Chutiye! Dus rupaiye me koi head boy banata hai kya…

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When I was small,

I thought

I shall become a pilot..

But then I was informed…

That I couldn’t become one

Because I had spects…

I then thought,

I’ll become an insurance agent,

But the insurance company got destroyed in an earthquake

and it was not insured against it…

Then I became a teacher

With the hope

Of beating students

That didn’t happen

And the students beat me up…

Then, I decided

I’ll surely become an engineer

But that too was not to be…

I flunked mathematics…

So I joined

POLITICS

And that worked,

I bought votes

I won elections

And now,

I am relaxed..

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My net’s been banned.

So no more posts now… atleast not from me…

Yeah, I know it’s sad but then being in 12th and not studying anything is also sad.

In the meantime, you can read my older posts… They can also be a good read.

Or http://www.funthusia.com/sitemap

Will be back next year… :(,

Sameer Jha

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Sameer had put up an interesting post about avoiding homework and am here to help you guys further as i was too tempted to contribute something…..

Small Kids : A Blessing in Disguise

So this idea struck me when this happened with me by sheer luck. I have a younger brother who’s 9 years younger than me (unofficially in few years he could be my dad given the sheer things he is learning which i never thought of at his age). Once he vomited on my book and it was all ruined…. and i had to buy another book. So it was a really good and valid reason

Can’t make the kid vomit?? Give him some Paint or colors and show him to draw and VOILA!!!! U have a master piece and then you can say  “Err… actually MA’M my brother/sister/nephew/niece tore it/colored over it/ vomited over it/ did potty over it….. ” you can make your imagination as wild as possible

So invite the naughtiest kid ( not related to the word $*X )  over for dinner and get going…..

To be safe….  make sure you have support from your parents…. like give the kid the notebook and go out of the house telling your mom/dad you have some work and he’s playing. Come back and make faces like WHAT THE F**** SCREAM, CRY… Get disappointed etc… etc… and make your parents support you…

So you could ever tell your teacher to ask you parents they won’t lie:P

So avoid the homework and get going…..

PS: Sameer hope you liked the post and won’t SC**W me for not telling you about it

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Standard Answers ab ho gaye poorane. Naye ka zamaana hai bhai…

So here’s presenting a series of posts which will help you avoid that thing called Homework…

Part 1:

The first strategy works like a charm, especially in “MUST SUBMIT NOTEBOOK” cases.

The scenario should be something like:

It’s almost the end of the term and the teachers been asking for everybody’s notebooks. You can’t escape because the teacher is very careful and maintains a list of people not submitting their notebooks.

You also however, cannot submit the notebook… because you’ve not goddamn made it.

So, What to Do:

Worry Not… You’ve just landed at the right place. Now what you’ve got to do is to pretend that you’ve lost your notebook…

“Oh Come On… D’you think she’ll buy that.” you say.

Well, She won’t believe it, if you’re the only guy to lose the notebook… but if 5-10 guys lose theirs, all at once…

She has no option but to believe you.

“How the FCUK are 5-10 guys gonna lose their notebook at once.”

It’s quite easy you know… Here’s what you gotta make sure.

1) I presume you don’t bring more than one notebook to school because you’ve not made anything else. So your bags should be as light as a feather.

2)Be careful while opening the bags which belong to the fairer sex… you might just find something that shifts your attention from the task on hand. And gives you a kick to fantasise unfamiliar territories…

3) Make it quick or people will be conspicous of your absence.

Back to the plan…

This plan (obviously) has to be executed when there’s no one in the class… i.e. in a games period or a library period.

What you’ve gotta do is… Steal some notebooks… students of all genres that is average, good and people like you…

Zero the names of students before hand so that you don’t face any dilemma on the D-DAY.

Open their bags… and take out the specific notebook.

And keep ‘em in your bag… Make sure that the stolen notebook would not be used again that day. Your bag will be a bit on the heavier side but that’s the price you gotta pay.

After you’re done “Take a Deep Breath…”

And go back to the place where you’re supposed to be and talk to as many kids as possible.

Next Day:

Start looking worried and make it clear to “the concerned Ma’am” …

“Uh…Ma’am I can’t find my … uh… notebook. I had it in my bag yesterday… But Now, It’s not there..”

Others will start talking too…

“Yes ma’am… My notebook is also lost.”

“Mine Also… Mine Also…”

So… Take a deep breath and suggest.

“Ma’am I think someone has stolen it… We should check the bags…”

And Voila!! The pandemonium has been created… Thou shalt have single-handedly wasted a period.

Moreover, you have readymade notes for your own perusal at the time of exams…

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Reason 1:

One of the major lessons that needs to be taught to a child is to work in a team. Not cheating in exams helps prevent that very team-spirit.

You see, Everyone gets to play their part… 5 students study 5 different subjects. And each of them, show others the answer paper of the one subject they’ve studied in return for seeing the answer papers of four subjects that they’ve not studied.

Reason 2:

“Child is the father of the man.”
-William Wordsworth.

Very true, and we need to train a person at a tender age so that they can grow up to become better and responsible human beings.

And in a country like India, where terrorism is a major problem… A child needs to be taught the postulates of combating terrorism.

And as, High level alertness is the whole and soul of combating terrorism. The child surely needs to be taught as to how to be alert.

Encouraging them to copy in high security exams… they’ll know everything about being alert and also hiding from the public eye. This very knowledge will go a long way in helping them stop terrorists.

Reason 3:

Besides the above two reasons, cheating also helps a child plan and manage. Which is exactly what big people are taught at Management institutes.

Lemme Explain how, In papers involving multiple choice questions, the planning of few of the kids that I’ve had the good luck of meeting are mind boggling…

For (a) : Put finger in the right ear.
For (b) : Put finger in the left ear.
For (C) : Put finger in the nose.
For (d) : Put pen in the mouth.

So it is very obvious that if kids can talk in such complex code language at this tender age… then they’ll do great service to the indian military in the future.

Afterall, breaking and making codes is literally a child’s play for them.

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I got nothing to write,
for this blog today, Churning out interesting posts,
is no child’s play.

But hey,
I am not a child,
but still rey…
I am really blank today.

But then I thought,
70% of the writers write about
“I have nothing to write about… so am writing about
that peculiar feeling…”

But That doesn’t hold true for me
Coz one…
Am not a writer,
Two…
I am frustrated and the feeling is not peculiar…

So what Am I doing..?
Writing about… “I got nothing to
write on…
but I hate writing on that topic…
So am just whiling away my time…”

But did i not just tell that I am not a writer…
Hehe… I am typer.

Phew…
If this poem…uh… piece of philosophical shit
made any sense to you…
then please let me know…
Coz you are the reincarnation of…
“Aristotle The Great..”
Or was that Socrates…??

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Rahul Bajaj had a dream., he wanted to be like Nikhil Arora. He developed a Nikhil Arora walk and a Nikhil Arora talk.

But Nikhil Arora instead wanted to be like Karan Kapoor. So, he made it a point to atleast physically resemble Karan Kapoor. He started wearing the kind of clothes similar to the ones worn by Karan Kapoor.

So, Rahul Bajaj wnded up walking and talking like Nikhil Arora in the attire of Karan Kapoor.

And karan Kapoor was himself a very big impersonator of Tenzing Burai. Karan’s every move was in itself nothing more than an attempted imitation of Tenzing Burai.

As a result Nikhil Arora’s attire was not really Karan Kapoor’s but Tenzing Burai’s.

And coming back to, Rahul Bajaj- He ended up walking and talking like Nikhil Arora in the attire of a guy called Tenzing Burai… mixed with inputs from Karan Kapoor.

Tenzing Burai, instead was inspired by quite a few people in a quite a few no. of things… Hairstyle, exactly like Ramesh Kulkarni’s… The Ishant Jadeja Accent… The Aneesh Sharma stubble… The Jaspreet Singh Tie… Mahesh Tawade Socks… Rajen Malhotra Belt… etc. etc.

Now, even God doesn’t know who exactly is Rahul Bajaj resembling.

PS: Inspired from a chicken soup for the soul story… Don’t remember which one. So if by any stroke of luck you do, please let me know.

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This was written by me when I was in 9th standard. My best friend after reading this stole my lunch box… He didn’t think that a person who is as foolish as me should eat. Also, the “Kaun hai bai” (rhymes with bombay) Police has paid me 3 lakhs to use this material for torturing the really dangerous terrorists of TODA and FADA.

Sun shining is very important for making hay, because hay making is as scientific a process as the fertilization of gametes. After reading this article you’ll know why…

Hay in terms of a man who is lay, means:- “Yellow Grass…”

Now making that is not easy. It requires continued perseverance and immensely huge amounts of hardwork.

My brother once asked me:

“But can’t you just paint it yellow… rang de basanti..”

“Nopesy”

“Why not? It’ll turn yellow.”

“So…”

“It’ll be yellow grass…”

“But hay is not just yellow… it’s also dry… you ASS!”

So as you may have guessed, Hay is not just yellow… but also dried… so both the factors have to be kept in the mind.

So what do you do first? Dry it or yellow it.

My suggestion would be to yellow it. Because if you dry green grass, it will automatically become yellow… Hai Na.

But the vice-versa is not possible.

So what do you do, to dry it… Don’t worry I’ll give some ossum tips…

Tip No. 1

Go to your gujarati neighbour and ask her to feed you. Trust me… the amount of dhoklas and theplas that you’ll consume is sure to make you produce lots of heat in terms of fart. Now heat is good for drying you know…

Tip No. 2:

Watch a few IPl matches. The cheerleaders are hot enough to produce some serious heat… And heat is falways good for drying i say.

Tip No. 3:

If by any chance, you get sick of all this and get the great indian headache… Don’t even think of using navratna tel to get rid of it… why? coz it’s thanda thanda cool cool ( Cold Cold cool cool) and will neutralise all the hard work done by the cheetleading babes and your gujarati aunty…

Tip No. 4:

To end it all, keep reading my blog… coz’ the insanity of my posts is going to fry your bheja and that in turn will generate loads of heat… and you require heat na..

So hey, make hay while the sun shines… coz there’s not a greater source of heat than sun.

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