Funthusia

There was once a show on MTV, called Love Bytes. Tailor made for desperate people, this show was filled with information on the art of impressing girls. But sadly, the information was hackneyed and useless. It presumed that it’s viewer had John Abraham’s built, Matt Damon’s face, Woody Allen’s intelligence, Amitabh Bachchan’s grace, and yes, Raju Shrivastava’s sense of humor and yes, Shah Rukh Khan’s charisma.

Now, you only tell me- If a guy had all those qualities wouldn’t he be very similar to a guy called Sameer Jha. I think he would be exactly the same. Please let my P.A. know, if you think otherwise.

But then, there are certain things in life which are not in our own hands. I have written this article, only and especially for the unfortunate people who have been deprived of the above-mentioned adjectives. This amazing and informative article will boggle the living daylights out of the nerd in you. It will also make you a blazing and rip roaring Casanova within a day.

Part I:

Being her hero

Isaac Newton’s third cousin, (who by the way also happens to be my great grandfather’s firangi mate), once proclaimed that, “Girls Just Love Heroes.”

But the sad part is that they only get to see them in the movies. My attempt with this article would be to alter that phenomenon.

So let’s have a comprehensive look at being a girl’s hero through these two short little plans.

Plan A:

Become the Knight in the shining armour.

This plan is absolutely simple, what it requires you to do is to steal her money. Yeah, you heard me right; steal her money. Now you will start asking as to how does that make you a hero, and all I’d answer is that you should learn to have some patience.

Now then, let’s see the situation, in case you try and apply this principle:-

Scene 1:

(The girl’s just got out of an auto-rickshaw.)

Girl:- (Exclaims) Sweet Jesus!!!! I’ve lost my purse, and it had my money, what do I do now!!!???

Auto Rickshaw Driver:- (Getting restless) Oh Madam!! Paisa Jaldi Do… Mereko peshaab karne jaaneka hai…

Girl:- Oh God… Please, Please Help Me!

(Exactly at that brink of the moment you shall enter into the scene)

You:- Hey Babes, I think you need some money..

Girl:- Oh yes, I think I lost my purse…

You:- (WRONG ANSWER) Hmm… Is it the same purse which has 200 Rs. And your Dog’s photo…

You:- (Right Answer) Well then, I guess… I have arrived at the right time, here’s the money…

Plan B:

Trigger her scholarly emotions.

This plan unlike the last one requires a low degree of expertise in the area of execution. But, it’s almost same in the area of principle.

All it requires you to do is to steal her notebook. Instructions to which I’ve provided in this post. Also, steal her notebook (and textbook) when she really needs it, i.e. before the exams.

Now, that you’ve succeeded in stealing the notebook, let’s see what it’s repercussions might be:-

Girl:- (looking for her notebook) Oh no… Tomorrow is my exam and I can’t find my notebook. What do I do now!!!???

Brother:- (with a raised eyebrow) Study From the textbook…

Girl:- Oh yes, right… (she then looks for her textbook) Oh No… ! Textbook is also missing, how do I study now? If I don’t study, I’ll fail.

Brother:- Huh… As if that’s a big deal.

(Bell rings- ting tong.)

(You have just entered into the scene.)

You:- Hey, I think you’ve lost your notebook & textbook..

Girl:- Oh yess.. I don’t know How I will study now…

You:-Well, you can always use my notebook…

Girl:- Oh really, but what would you study from?

You:- (Wrong Answer) As if I study, huh…

You:-(Right Answer) Arey no problem, yeh to mera farz tha…

Part II:

Gain Sympathy

The immensely intelligent and the 22nd girlfriend of Rahul Mahajan believes that 97% of women love sensitive men, the rest 3% love Raja Choudhary.

Which brings me to the question aas to how exactly does one gain sympathy. This plan will tell you, exactly that:-

No Pain, No Gain!!

This plan is a little tough to execute. Also, it requires a certain amount of emotional restraint on your part. But then, as Fardeen Khan says, “Love ke liye saala Kuch bhi karega.”

First things first, you need to buy some chilli powder, speaking from personal experience, Everest ka Teekhalal works best.

Now you have to take a fistful of these chilli powder and put it in your pants. Now rub it (in your private parts) as if you’ve got fungal infection and the chilli powder is the anti fungicidal dusting powder. Now, rush to your mate and show as if you’re not feeling any pain at all. Doing this, will give you a painful expression which girls mistake as a sign of a strong, silent and sexy man.

Part III

Let her be the hero.

Now, as the people from Kerala would tell you, “It is not always about the Man!”

For you to be successful in this loveology business, you need to extract some effort from the opposite sex too.

These days, gender equality is spreading like plague. Girls, these days, want to develop a superiority complex over their boyfriends, so that if at all marriage occurs, they have less difficulty in showing their husbands their place, which by the way is the kitchen.

So, the third and the final part of impressing girls, involves the girl to be the hero.

Well, what you have to do is to tell her that you are giving a treat and take her to a restaurant. Eat your food, and when the time comes pay the bill, pretend as though you’ve lost your money. Start crying and apologise profusely for your behaviour.

She will intervene and console you by slowly running her hands over your back. After that, she’ll offer to pay the money. You do not agree at first; insist that you’ll do the dishes. She’ll relent and say that it’s okay if she pays.

Then you say that in the presence of a guy a girl should never pay the bill. She’ll probably feel offended by this and say that these days women are at par with the guys. She’ll say, that it’s no shame if she pays the bill. This time, you should happily agree to her and slip in a little apology about not agreeing to it later on the pretext of gender. She’ll now happily, pay the bill and name her feminine ego massaged.

After executing this plan, you would have achieved multiple objectives.

You would have had excellent food.

You would have massaged her ego and would’ve let her have a domineering stance over you.

You would have achieved physical contact (yes yes!! It’s when she rubs her cool over your back in order to console you.)

Most importantly, you’d do all this for free.

On the flipside, if she does not happen to have any money, you are mightily screwed. I say this from personal experience that doing dishes is not an experience that you’d want to have. But I don’t think that that should get you discouraged as a wise man once said, “The Biggest Risk is in not taking one.”

Additional Masala Tip:-

As a man from my very own homeland, Bihar, once said:-

“To keep your love life, bright and sunny,

You need to be really very funny.”

Now, how do you become funny? Well, some assholes would tell you that being funny is an art and a gift that only a few seem to possess. These assholes, I guess have not heard of a wonderful scientific invention called the ‘laughing gas’.

It’s quite easy to insert a small amount of laughing gas in the nostrils of your prospective mate. Once you’ve done that, it doesn’t matter whether you’re going to read out the constitution of India or Sanskrit verses from the bhagwad gita. You, are going to be hilariously funny.

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Aaj kal aisa zamaana aa gaya jisme parents har waqt apne bachchon ko bolte hain padho, padho, padho…
Lekin ek time aisa aayega… jab parents apne bachchon se kuch iss tarah pesh aayenge…
Papa:

“Beta idhar aao.. Dekho, main aur tumhari mummy kal raat se tumhaare condition ko lekar bahut pareshaan hain…”

Bachcha:

“ “Kyun, Papa, mere condition ko kya hua…”

Papa:

“Tumhaare Marks Kitne Aaye?”

Bachcha:

“86!!”

Papa:

“86!!! Ye koi marks hain… Apne jammane mein hum 25 ke upar nahi gaye.. Socho, apne zamaane mein… Ab toh logon ko 5 bhi aane lage hai… Aise haal mein toh tumhe aasaani se naukri mil jaayegi… Unemployment jaise such ka naseeb aaj kal kisko milta hai… 20,000 jobs hai aur log sirf 20… Aise haal mein agar tumhe unemployed rehna hai toh you really have to work hard, you know..”

Bachcha:

“Haan Papa, I know…”

Papa:

“Aur haan, maine suna hai ki tum co- curricular activities mein bhi dhyaan dene lage ho…”

Bachcha:

“ “Haan woh main football mein dilchaspi rakhta huun…”

“
Aur itne mein hi uss ladke ki maa aa jaati hain, beech mein tone dene ke liye, woh kehti hain,:

Mummy:

“Hey Bhagwaan, aise din dikhaane se pehle mujhe apne paas kyun nahi bula liya… Kitni Baar bola hai ki extra curricular activities me nahi jaane ke liye… Tumhe apne papa ki tarah banna hai ki nahi…”

Papa, apne naam ke mention se hi bol uthta hai, Unke aawaz mein dabi hui aakrosh hai…
Papa:

“Din Par Din tum Scholar bante jaa… Padhai toh Padhai… Upar se football!!! Multi-talented banna hai tumhe… haan. Main toh yeh soch soch ke darr raha huun ki tum hamaare vansh ke itihaas ka ek kaala panna na ban jao… Aakhirkaar, main nithalla huun, tumhaare dada nithalle the, aur tumhaare pardada the great and always late, Sameer Jha… unki toh duniya ke sabse bade nithallon mein ginati hoti thi… Aur ek tum ho jo ki apne khaandaan ke naak ko aahista aahista halaal kar rahe ho…”

Bachcha:

“I am sorry, papa.”

Papa:

“Sorry Vorry se kuch nahi hoga, tumhe apne aap ko change karna padega… Karoge Change…”

Bachcha:

“Haan Papa, karoonga…”

Papa:

“Theek hai, main itna bhi patthardil nahi huun, main tumhe ek aur mauka deta huun fail ka … Yeh tumhara last chance hai… Agar iss baar tum fail nahi huey toh main toh kya tumhaare great pardada Sameer Jha bhi tumhe nahi bacha paayenge…”

Bachca:

“Haan papa, main aapki baton pe gaur karoonga…”

Papa:

“Okay then… Jaao bete, jaao aur apne teacher ko do kaan ke neeche baja ke aao…”

Bachcha:

“Yes papa, main yoon gaya aur yoon aaya…”

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I always tend to find an answer to every question I ask. But, something I still fail to understand is the reason behind people watching something as bland as cookery shows. To learn cooking, possibly; But, that can also be done by reading the 20,00,000 cookbooks available in the market.

Unlike cookery shows, cookbooks can actually be referred to while cooking food. Besides, cookbooks provide freedom from the hassle of making notes at a speed which would embarrass even the great Michael Schumacher.

Keeping that point aside, another irritating feature of these shows is the host. The host (who claims to be a connoisseur of great food) is generally dressed in white. Now why in the god’s sweet heaven would anyone try and cook food, dressed in white. What’s even more maddening is the fact that the guy is as clean as a spick even after cooking complex dishes.

I once tried to cook maggi noodles dressed in white, something which was obviously a great mistake. One, I never wore that t-shirt again and two, the t-shirt was soon turned into a floor wiping mop. On the brighter side, it cost just 75 bucks.

The ingredients ranging from Chinese coriander leaves to Mexican Mushrooms are extremely difficult to find. To put it in the words of an extremely wise man,

“Finding an expression on Celina Jaitley’s face is infinitely more easier than finding Mexican Mushrooms. “

Well, putting that aside, the only entertainment factor of the show comes when the cook asks a celebrity guest to taste his food. The celebrity guest fearing that he’ll puke picks up food that’s quantitatively one-tenth of a spoon.

What follows is an expression that seems to say,

“Hmmm…. I think this fat little guy has just tricked me into having ‘raw potato with milk’ in the name of an exotic South American delicacy. But, I can’t say that on national television coz’ the shows producer, has not yet given me my paycheck.”

In the end I’d just like to say that I’ve seen a lot of lame things in my life but nothing as lame as a cookery show. If even now you call my insight myopic and think that cookery show’s are a man’s best invention, then I guess I am ready for a fight. To make things better, my blog doesn’t have comment censorship.

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The fourth and hopefully the final edition of the poorest reality show, is here. The earlier episodes can be checked by clicking on these links,
Part 1,Part 2, and Part 3.

So ladies and gentlemen, here ‘s presenting a show of low drama, a show of low suspense, a show of absolutely no humor, and most importantly a show of bad cleavage.

The show began and was subjected to a huge turnout of 8 people. A number that is a hell lot more than the no. of people who visit my blog. Poor producers ran out of seats in trying to accommodate som many people.

Also, since only 3 people auditioned for the show, all three of them directly made it to the finals.

The first one to perform was Aamir Khan.

Here’s his performance.

Music: Pritam (Lifted from Shankar Ehsaan Loy…) Lyrics: Sameer (Lyrics ho toh batau..) Title: Locha Hai

(Music begins)

Bijli mein hai Current Kyun,

Internet Pe Torrent Kyun.

Bore kyun hai sabhi…

Itne Faaltuu Question Kyun,

Aati mujhko tension kyun,

Logic kisi me kyun nahi…

Locha Hai…

Locha Hai Yeh Sabhi..

Locha Hai…

Bore ho rahe ho tum, tabhi…

Locha Hai…

Locha Nahi toh kya hai sabhi…

Hmmm…

Yeah.

After listening to this one helluva boring song, we asked Aamir about how he felt about his performance. He said,

“Actually you know, my performance was like that of a cockroach in an apple soup. It knew that it had to die, but it made sure that it destroyed the whole soup before it made its way to the sweet heaven.”

We don’t know what that means and I’m pretty sure, that you too wouldn’t know. However, If you thought that Aamir’s performance was the height of boredom, then I am sure Tusshar Kapoor’s performance will give you an entirely new frame of mind.

Believe nahi hota… Toh yeh suno…

“Okay… This song is dedicated to all the losers and bozers by Tusshar Ka Band.

Doston main baitha..

Main Dhokla Kha Raha…

Waiter ne aake mujhko terah ka bill diya…

Bill dekhke maine

Usko yeh bolaaa…

I don’t have chutta,

Mujhe Chutta Na Mila…

I don’t have Chutta,

Mujhe Chutta Na Mila…

I don’t have Chutta Na Mila..

Mujhe Chutta Na Mila…”

After listening to this song, I decided to have cigarette- you know, to cure some depression. Lekin sadly mujhe kahin se bhi sutta na mila.

By the way, if you thought that your torture is coming to an end then my friend, think again. Kyunki ab aa rahe hain, Bulla Loe Armstrong jo ki torture ki har had ko paar kar denge…

Ye raha Bulla Loe Ka performance…

“Halla Bol..

Kapda Khol…

Karta Ja

Jhol Pe Jhol..

Dhan Dhana Dhan

Dhan Dhana Dhan

Dhan Dhana Dhan

Karenge JHOL…

He hey..

Dhan Dhana Dhan

Dhan Dhana Dhan

Dhan Dhana Dhan

Karenge JHOL…

JHOL hai hum kya hai duniya ko bataayenge…

Rokey se na rokey humein, aise c**d jaayenge…

(Repeat Chorus).

The performance ended, and the three people who had come to watch the show removed their expensive kolhapuri chappals and threw it on the performer. Tusshar Kapoor in the meantime, rushed to pick up these chappals. Insiders suggest that he plans to open a chappal shop in the interiors of Dharave.

Anyways, since all good bad things in life come to an end, this show too has now advanced to its final stage. The only thing that is remaining now, is the announcement of the winner.

So, in keeping with the tradition of all reality shows, the decision of deciding the winner lies with you. Yes you. All you have to do is to click on the name of the winner who you think deserves to win this title more than anyone else.

Once I reach the humongous figure of ten votes, I am going to announce the winner. Right here on this post.

As for me, I don’t think I’ve been paid for my hard work in presenting this show to you. But that’s another story. For now, I’ll give you the final thought of the great Farhan Akhtar who was an integral part of this mad little show.

Farhan Akhtar:

I’m really sad that this show has ended. What makes me sadder is the fact that by the time I’ve done this show, my dad, has already done 3 more reality shows. But then, a friend of mine once remarked that,

“Even in the distant lands of Greece, This show is a masterpiece.”

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After the really unsuccessful Part 1 & 2, here’s presenting the Part 3 of the series that prides itself on being the poorest reality show on Planet. Financially bhi aur Qualitatively bhi.

In the previous edition, you were shown the insanely boring auditions of Aamir Khan. Sameer, in all his capacity will try to make sure that this segment of auditions is even more boring.

Well,to begin with I appointed a reporter to help me relax and watch some naughty America videos. So today’s episode will be taken care of by my able reporter Girihiridhari.

Protests erupt in the poorest reality show on TV.

2nd November, 2008
Sarsole Gaon, Mumbai

Laaj Thokray and the people of ‘Mala Publicity Dena’ group started protesting against the channel for selecting an unfair jury.
To put it in the words of Laaj Thokray,

“This tyranny shall not be tolerated. What is this? You are running the show in our city and you don’t have a Marathi Judge. Some Marathi musicians are also unemployed but who are you taking ISMAIL DARBAR? We will not let this happen. We will damage your property.”

The members of the group did try to destroy some property but failed as they couldn’t find any. You see being the poorest show on TV does have some benefits.

Girihiridhari Kumar,
Funthusia News Network
girihiridhari@funthusia.com

After Aamir the next person to enter the show was Tusshar Kapoor.

(Tusshar Kapoor enters.)

Saroj Khan (exclaims):

Arey baap re, ye kaunsa languor aa gaya.

(Langoor Angoor khaake bolta hai.)

Tusshar Kapoor:

Log mujhe Tusshar Kapoor kehte hai!

Farhan Akhtar:

Arey haan… Tu wohi hai na jiski behenke serial me saas log bhi ekdum mast jaam sexy transparent saree pehenti hai…

Tusshar Kapoor:

Haan re… Wohi hai main.

Farhan Akhtar:

Good, Good, very good. Tere ko maloom hai kya apna woh picture aaya tha na … Rock On!! Usme maine director ko bola, apne ko heroine waste ek mast K-serial ki saas chahiye. Par saala Director ne mujhe kya diya… Bachi Desai… mera matlab… Prachi Desai…

Tusshar Kapoor:

Aisa Kya!

Ismail Darbar:

Barobar bola Farhan Bhai. Agar meri saas aisi hoti toh mere liye ek nayi gaali invent karni padti thi..

Farhan Akhtar:

Lemme Guess… Saasu C**d.

(Ismail and Farhan apne iss sense of humor par bahut haste hai.)

Saroj Khan:

Sheh… Mere daamaad aise kyun nahi hain.

(Tusshar Kapoor ne socha ki ye lok bahut paka rahe hain… Aur usne interrupt kiya)

Tusshar Kapoor:

Bhai saab, aap mera audition lenge.

Ismail Darbar:

Haan re lega lega.

Tusshar Kapoor:

To Phir lena.

Ismail Darbar:

Arey leta hai na… Tu Tension kai ko leta hai. Chal munna tuu mereko yeh bata ki tere liye rock kya hota hai…

Tusshar Kapoor:

Rock for me means a lot. Whenever I do a show, people throw different kinds of rocks for me. You wouldn’t believe it, but I know more about rocks than any living geologist… be it igneous, metamorphic…

(Ismail Darbar Interrupts. And then takes out something from his purse and throws it towards him.)

Ismail Darbar:

Take this rock. Study it!!

Tusshar kapoor:

Thank you… Thank you very much sir.

(Forensic reports suggest that the rock was actually hardened faecal matter of a member of the Darbar Dynasty. Experts also believe that 200 years down the line, it’s gonna sell for a lot of money.)

The next person to come was Bulla Loe Armstrong. His name had a meaning, he claimed:-

“Aggar aap apne bulla ko lete rahoge… toh aapka Arm Strong ho jayega.”

And Bulla ka naam sunte hi one sardarji appeared out of nowhere and started singing…

“Bullllaa Ki Jaana Main Kaaaaauuuun.”

Iske baad, na toh usne aage ka gaana gaaya, naa hi usne gaana band kiya. Show ke sab log bore ho gaye, bilkul waise jaise abhi aap bore ho rahe hain.

In this critical situation, Saroj Khan ne apna kamaal dikhaaya.

Aankhon ki ek matak and cleavage ki ek jhatak aur bas— Rabbi Shergill ye shaher chhod ke bhaag gaya.

Bulla Loe Armstrong, however seemed interested. Usko apni Arm jo strong karni thi. He and Saroj Khan did something which we cannot cover here because this is a family blog(Lol).

And thus with extreme relief and intense sukoon, the show came to an end.

I know ki isse padhne ke baad tumhara dimaag damage ho gaya hoga… par koi baat nahi, jo cheez pehle se hi damaged hai use thoda aur damage karne me kya problem hai. After all, Navratan Tel ke manufacturers mujhe isi baat ka toh paisa dete hain.

(To be Continued.. )

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After the really unsuccessful Part 1, here’s presenting the Part 2 of the poorest reality show on the Planet. I mean literally poor. Not Qualitatively.

To begin with, the Rock Kaun Auditions was a low budget affair. The contestants were served contaminated water. As a result, many contestants fainted and the turnout became really low. Only 5 of the contestants survived. The sick ones were rushed to the nearest Baba Ramdev ka Shivir.

Channel Heads said that it was actually a resilience test.

Moving on, Pee TV released the theme song, which has been composed by Pritam. Rumors are on that the song has been copied from a latest Bollywood hit called Rock On!

Anyways, here’s the song:

Asli Rock Kaun Hai?

Tumhe Kya Main Bataau…

Tum Ye Samjhoge Shaayad main paagal huun…

Yeh Bakte Bakte Main toh bore ho gaya huu…

Phir bhi ek last baar main yeh sabse keh duu…

Rock kaun?

Mujhe Pata Nahi Saala..

Rock Kaun?

Poochta huun main dobaara..

Rock Kaun?

Yeh dhoondne ko chala main…

Rock Kaun?

Anish, Shreya, ya Harjeet Nara.

Sameer wrote the lyrics for the above song. Not me Sameer. But the lyricist Sameer. The same Sameer who has written masterpieces like “Shaka Laka Boom Boom”, “Tandoori Nights” and yeah he is the man behind… “Tera Tera Tera Surooooooooooooooor….”

I am sure they will remain as classics for the next 500 cr. Years.

The auditions began at 7:00 pm. The first contestant to enter was (guess who?) Aamir Khan. Aamir who had successfully survived the epidemic was dressed rather unconventionally.

Ismail Darbar:

Come in, what’s your name?

Aamir:

I am Aamir Khan.

(Saroj Khan has fainted. No, not because of Aamir but because of a strange stinking smell.)

Farhan Akhtar (with his hands over his nose):

Oh my god, How come you are like this?

Aamir:

Actually, I am playing the role of an unemployed music director in my next film. The story goes somewhat like this… The Music Director after being rejected by every director in the country finds solace in judging reality shows. It’s a film on a social issue you know… Inshallah, it‘ll go to the Oscars.

(Farhan has fainted too.)

Ismail:

Wow… That is such a wonderful script that you have.

Aamir:

Thank you… Thank you.

Ismail:

Moreover, I do not understand as to why the heck are you here.

Aamir:

It’s called Method Acting you know.

Ismail:

What?

Aamir:

Urm… See to fit the role of an unemployed music director. I have done the following things:-

1. Not Shaved for 7 months 2 days 4 hours.

2. Not had a bath for 3 months 2 1 days 19 hours.

3. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I lost count of the no. of hours I have gone without brushing. I know it’s highly unprofessional of me but I will surely keep this in mind for the rest of my life.

Ismail:

Oh.. So you must have acquired the stink for the required part.

Aamir:

No.. not even after taking such extreme measures. The director who happens to be a close associate of yours has said that you are the Badshah of Stink. And that I should learn from you.

Ismail:

Hmmm… Come here.

(Aamir does go there. Ismail reveals his arm pit.)

Now this is what you call STINK.

(Aamir is fascinated. He brings a device to calculate the amount of toxins released into the air so that he could replicate the smell.)

Also, everyone but the two have fainted; Even the Cameraman.

And yeah, even I fainted while watching the hidden tapes of this show. So no more footage to be read now. It’ll all be there in the next issue. Until Then,

Keep Ismaaeeling.

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Pee TV, a mainstream entertainment channel, has launched a new reality show by the name of “Rock Kaun.” According to Suhaas Bandra, this particular show is a hunt to unearth the Hidden Rocks of our country.

When we asked its judge Farhan Akhtar to say a few words about this show and why has he been picked up by the channel. He replied;

Look Mr. Reporter, the thing is that every night on the dinner table, my father boasts about the no. of reality shows he has done. My mom too after getting incredibly jealous has started judging shows. She too has started boasting about how she spanks a contestant on her show and make them look like 10 year old kids. Judging this show is my way of keeping with the family tradition.

An extremely reliable source tells us, that Farhan literally begged the honchos in Pee TV, to sign him on as a judge. When they didn’t oblige, he is supposed to have bribed them with his father’s earnings.

Rock Kaun also has Ismail Darbar (the unemployed music director) as a judge. On being asked about the show he said,

Since time immemorial, reality shows have been my bread and butter. This show will make sure that I have my Jam too.

(Dairy Prices have ricocheted to the roofs with the recent Baba Ramdev disclosure that Milk has advanced properties which will make all doctors who have scratched their asses for 10 years studying, unemployed. As a result, the organizers of Rock Kaun have decided to give bread-jam instead of bread butter as Ismail’s daily allowance.)

Just when we were about to leave, Ismail Darbar, added;

Maalik deta hai, Main leta huu.
Mallika ko main deta huu, saali woh leti hi nahi

The third judge is Saroj Khan, who was chosen after much contemplation. An Insider (khabri) tells us that she has defeated greats like Alisha Chinai and Malaika Arora Khan in the race for grabbing the ‘the third judge ki kursi’. In the words of that insider:

“The fight was intense, the youngsters at Pee TV rooted for Malaika, while the old-aged people rooted for Alisha. They had to call in a foreign person for the final verdict. That person, was Simon Cowell. He without even looking at the judges, declared that the lady who shows the maximum cleavage will be made the judge. That’s how Saroj Khan was picked.”

We tried to contact her, but she was unavailable for comment.

*We urge you to contact your cable operator to connect Pee TV from your TV Sets. If that fails, don’t worry, I, Sameer Jha, an extremely rational and fair human being would make it available to you through my blog.

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This is again a guest post by my friend Shivansh. He had earlier written a short story called Teenage.

When you know you just haven’t studied,

When you know the hopes of passing are long buried,

A look on the question paper gets you worried.

Then to the rescue comes a friend,

Copying from his paper is the latest trend.

So you go about copying it end to end.

At the end of the paper,

you know you’ve passed.

How much you’ve copied leaves your teacher aghast.

But the joy of passing,

Just by copying,

Leaves you smiling all day long.

-Shivansh

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The following text is more than just a speech. It’s a dream. A dream that I know will remain unfulfilled. So as a redressal of that pain, I would be writing this blog post.

Today, I, Sameer Jha would like to make a very heartfelt and emotional speech. It’s not like an acceptance speech for the Academy Awards or the Filmfare or even the lesser known Max Stardust (Celebrating New Excellence) Awards.

It is nevertheless, a speech… a one of a kind speech. The kind I am sure you will be acquainted with in a few moments from now.

I would begin my speech by thanking none other than my esteemed teachers who I must confess, have been incredibly helpful. In fact, if it had not been for their help, I wouldn’t have failed in 3 or more subjects. And not failing would have been very bad… because a wise man once said: “He who hath not seen failure, shalt forget about success.”

The second person I would like to thank is my principal. That guy is a gem. In fact,his speech is even more boring than the one that you are currently reading. Seriously Man.

He is extremely proficient at making you sleep in a heavily cramped area meant for 20 students and filled with 200 assholes. The only other person who could rival him was my ex-principal. But unfortunately, my days with him lasted only for a year.

People Say and Believe

“Money is Important. Everything Else is Secondary.”

Our school miraculously, does not believe in this concept. Simply because, the school makes money from both primary and secondary section. Not to forget, the fact that they make higher money from the higher secondary.

So you must have seen, that in keeping with the sentiments of the young generation; the school has remixed the above saying to:-

“Money is Primary, Even more money is secondary. We are running a business organization for Christ sake; nothing we provide can be free.”

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Back in my High School days,

I had a crush on a girl with an exotic face,

The Crush became love.

I don’t know how,

A am not going to reveal her name,

But her surname was “Rao.”

I tried hard to be close to her..

But then she had a crush on a guy called “Viktor”

She talked about him every effing time…

She talked abot how he liked soda with lime…

I was plagued at that time,

By Jealousy,

I loved her badly,

But sadly she couldn’t see…

I made a plan

To break their relationship,

I talked Viktor into,

Showing her a video clip…

And then,

Unke love story ka ho gaya DOOM,

The culprit was the video clip,

From the movie “Jhoom Barabar Jhoom”…

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